After-Loss Self Portrait
I don't have any pictures of the 3 of us, nor do I have pictures of the burial. I could go on and add to the list of regrets but I won't. So this is the picture that was taken the closest to Callie's birth. It was a week later, my birthday. My grandma wanted to come and "celebrate" with me. We went to the church where Matt was on staff and put on a happy face, listening to all the efforts to console us. Some people were very kind and hugged us and loved on us and there were those who just should have kept quiet. Once I was safe in the car I broke down crying. I had faced the world now. I felt fat, had stretch marks, was milk-engorged and wearing maternity clothes but didn't have my baby, because we had buried her a few days earlier. My grandma was insistent on taking some pictures, which I just wasn't up to--but she was my grandma--so I appeased her. Thankfully the sunglasses hid my swollen eyes.