Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Capture Your Grief Day 2

Day 2-Self Portrait before loss
We went to Hilton Head for a family vacation in May 2007.  I remember many things from this trip.  It was the first family vacation for my nephew, Owen.  Trey celebrated his 2nd birthday and I made a cake shaped like a car for him.  It was the first time we felt Callie move.  My sister, having already given birth twice, asked if we had felt her move.  I wasn't sure that we had.  It didn't feel like her moving, it felt like hunger.  One time it happened and I grabbed her to feel my stomach.  She confirmed that it was the baby moving.  We were so excited to finally feel it!  (I was 7 months along).  I also remember my nephew, Trey, touching my belly and talking to Callie.  It was a great trip.  Matt and I were enjoying our time together, figuring it would be the last vacation with just the 2 of us.  We also celebrated my first mother's day that year. 
One evening we went into the mall and I slipped and fell on some slippery tile in a store.  I was fine.  I got back up and was irritated with the store for not having a "caution sign" up or at least some mats since it had been raining that day.  I'm sure it had no relevance to Callie's fate but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder.  I never brought it up but a few years ago my husband asked me about it.  I thought I was the only one who remembered the fall. 
I wouldn't say that I would go back to this place in time, because that would mean I wouldn't have the blessing of my son and daughter, here on earth.  Yet I look at this picture and my heart hurts.  It is the only picture I have of me, while pregnant with Callie.  I was so self-conscious that I didn't want any pictures taken.  I wish I had celebrated being pregnant more and done all the pregnancy things.  But more so my heart hurts for this young woman I see.  I don't know her anymore.  We are different people but I hurt because I know what she will go through in a few short weeks and she has no clue. 

No comments: