June is a tough month. There are good things too, don't get me wrong, like the beginning of summer, Father's Day and remembering bringing my baby boy home from the NICU after a month long stay. Yet I am haunted by the entire month. I dread the end of the month and all the feelings that surface. Feelings that are buried and have put on a happy face burst to the fore front. We always have a celebration on June 29th for Callie's life. Being in a new town I am already thinking about where to go and what to do for Callie's birthday. Corban wants to buy her a gift but doesn't know how to get it to her. We are just kind of stuck for now but will think of something grand before the day arrives.
This past Sunday was Father's Day and one of our pastors addressed miscarriage and loss from the pulpit. I've never heard this done before but his illustration was a very good one. He told the story of how his children bring him Father's Day surprises and tell him to close his eyes and hold out his hands. He doesn't know what the "surprise" might be (a slimy critter, rocks, candy) but he trusts their mother so he obeys the boys' wishes. He stated that when we have a relationship with someone we can trust what they do even if we don't know what to expect.
After losing Callie my friends asked if I was angry at God and how I was feeling. I admitted that I couldn't be angry at God. I wanted to be angry with someone--God, the doctor--anyone. But I couldn't. How could I be angry at the one thing that got me through her death? I have often said that I don't understand it. I wish it were different. I have so many questions. But what I do know is God and his character. That is what I have to trust. That is what I have to remember.
It was honestly such a wonderful illustration of what I have felt in my heart and have vocalized to a few. I wanted to pass it along to my friends who have suffered loss and still wrestle with the questions. I think we will until we stand with our loved ones in Heaven and then all the questions will fade away.