Thursday, October 1, 2015

Through All of It

I was listening to the radio and heard a song recently that summarized the state of my heart lately.  One of the lines "I've seen joy, I've seen regret, And you have been my God through all of it."  Wow.  Truth.  The days of infertility-longing for a baby and seeing one negative pregnancy test after another.  God was with me.  The joy and elation of finding out about a baby, learning she was a girl, naming her and preparing for her.  God was with us.  (And I believe and sensed he was preparing us all along the way.)  The fateful day we heard the bad news. God was with us.  Delivery. God was with us. Burial. God was with us. Going through our home to pack away all of her things.  He was with us.  The pain and emptiness.  He was with us.  Pregnant again.  God.  Scared.  God.  Delivery.  God.  NICU.  God.  Out of options.  God.  Miracle.  God.  Bringing home a healthy 1 month old baby boy.  God was with us.  Sleepless nights.  God was with us.  Laughter and joy.  God was with us.  And it goes on.  He has been with us and given us the strength to get through each season of our lives.  Every blessing and every heartache has been sifted through His hands.  He hasn't changed.  He hasn't forgotten about us.  He has been our God through all of it.
October is another month that brings Callie up nearly every day.  It's painful.  It hurts.  And sometimes I feel lower than I'd like.  Yet God is faithful as always.  It is always my hope that I have been softened by her life and will one day impact other lives in a way that points them to Him.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015


Nighttime has always been the hardest time of day during my grief journey.  In the initial weeks after we lost Callie I remember doing everything I could think of to avoid going to bed.  I knew that as soon as my eyes closed my mind would go into overdrive.  Memories, thoughts and fears would paralyze me.  At some point I would pass out and the cycle began the next day.
This continues to be true although it doesn't happen every night.  A few months ago I closed my eyes to sleep and suddenly found myself right back at that doctor's appointment.  It was as if I was watching myself from dream.  I could again feel the hopelessness and despair.  In an instant I can see the sorrow on the faces of the doctors and nurses.  I see the hurt and confusion in my husband as he reaches out for my belly.  I see the pain and strength in my parent's eyes trying to be strong for me and yet hurting for their daughter.
I remember laying in the hospital for days in labor waiting for Callie to be born.  I kept dreaming and praying that everyone was wrong and we could still keep her.  But that isn't our story.  My heart aches for that naive young girl.  I wish I could go back, wrap my arms around her and whisper "you have no idea how wonderful life will be", "you can't imagine the little ones in your future", "God will redeem this."  I had no idea then, in my pain and brokenness, the plan God had for our family.  We never do.
Now don't get me wrong--I miss Callie with every fiber of my being.  I think of her daily and wish she could be a part of our earthly family.  But when I trusted God and His plan and that He had our future in His hands, I never imagined how good life could be, even after the pain.  It's amazing to look back now and see the blessings He has given us, in spite of our hurts.
I have felt it impressed on my heart to write this blog post for awhile now.  Maybe it's to encourage you that whatever you are going through--He has a plan.  It's hard to see now but if you were able to get a glimpse of what's around the corner, you'd be amazed.  Does it seem like you will  never get through this phase of colic?  Does the pain of losing someone ever get easier?  Are you waiting on God to speak to you about something?  Do the test results seem scary?  Will God provide that job? Will the money come in to pay the bills?  I don't have the answers but I do know that God has never let us down once.  There has been pain.  There have been trials but through it all, He has net let go.  I don't know about you but I am anxious to see what God has for us around the bend.  So today if you are in the valley and feeling low, listen for God.  Can't you hear Him?  He is saying  "I am making all things new." (Revelation 21:5)