Callie's Birthday

This past week was Callie's birthday. She would have been 2 on June 29. The whole week is usually a really tough week. I re-live the week and think on the 25th was probably the day she died. The 27th was the day we found out and I was induced. The 29th was the day she was delivered and July 3rd was the day we laid her to rest. It is just a really rough time. We went to the cemetery to her grave and there was a funeral just finishing up. Seeing the same small casket brought back so many memories. I hurt deeply for those people. We stayed in our van until the family left and then the workers lowered the casket in and put dirt on top of it. The family never sees that part. I never saw that part. We walked over to Callie's grave and the angels we put there were gone. Both my parents and I had each put some angels on her grave and they were gone. No sign of them anywhere. They don't remove things from the graves in Babyland so we are left to assume that someone stole them. I don't know what kind of sicko does that....it is just rude. Corban enjoyed being out at the cemetery. He kept waving down at the grave. He will come to know his older sister as we share her story when he gets older. I know her daily celebrations in heaven are far better than any party I could have planned for her. I miss her deeply and love her so.

In Memory..

We've been trying to figure out what to do to honor Callie as her 2nd birthday approaches. Nothing seems to fit. There are things we do every year, buying an ornament for the Christmas tree, Easter lily in her name, altar flowers at church, etc. However, this year we want to do something different. We have contacted a few local hospitals and are just uncertain of the best way to keep her memory alive. I began wondering about giving some of the special outfits that I have held onto to a NICU family or something. I'm just not sure I can do that. Even if I have a little girl one day, I don't know if I want her wearing Callie's things. But to part with them...well, I'm not sure I can do that either. I just want to find a way to give some hope to someone who is in a bad situation and I'm unsure of what to do. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love it if you shared!

Thanks!
Mindy

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was the first Mother's Day that I have enjoyed in several years. When you are trying to have a baby and are unsucessful, it is the worst reminder. Your arms ache for the baby you so desperately desire. 2 years ago we were down in Hilton Head on a family vacation. We celebrated Mother's Day and it was wonderful. We were eagerly anticipating Callie's arrival 3 short months later. I still have the cards my family gave me as we were so excited for her to come! So last year when I was pregnant and my scheduled c-section was the Monday after Mother's Day I asked my doctor a favor. I asked if we could move the c-section to Friday so that I would be able to hold my baby on Mother's Day. He agreed. What is a few more days, right? Well, as you know, things didn't go as planned. Mother's Day was horrible last year. The NICU nurses made me cards with Corban's picture which I treasure but Corban was going downhill that day. We stopped allowing anyone but Matt and I in to see him. I was so nervous to get close and bond with him. I didn't think he was going to make it and I was facing losing another baby. We prayed at his bedside every day. When we were too weak to pray so many people stepped up to pray for him.
So yesterday was a wonderful day. We really didn't do much. We just hung out and relaxed and yet it was great because I had my family together. God has blessed us with so much throughout our lives and especially within the last year. His hand was on Corban and he is such a joy!
If Mother's Day brings up bad feelings and aching arms and hearts for you, my prayers are with you. I know the feeling. I am praying for you and for all the other women in the world who dread Mother's Day, as I once did.
Blessings to you.

What A Difference A Year Makes

Today is my son, Corban's, 1st birthday. A year ago today was a pretty dark day. We hadn't held him yet and things were not looking very positive. I feared losing another child. However, God performed a miracle in his life. Today he is a happy, healthy little boy. You'd never know anything had happened. We are so thankful for his life and health! Happy Birthday baby boy!

Questions

I have always thought that when I get to heaven I want to ask God some questions. I have had this idea that then my questions will be answered and "why" will make sense. I don't imagine myself shaking my fist at God but just sitting with Him to better understand things. I trust His heart and His reasons. I just wish that humanly I understood them. Well, my mind has since been changed on this. I just finished reading Don Piper's book, "90 Minutes in Heaven". It is about a man who dies in a car accident (for 90 minutes) and then comes back to life. It is an interesting read. A few things that he said really stood out to me. The main thing is that he said (while he was in heaven) that "...I asked no questions and never wondered about anything. Everything was perfect. I sensed that I knew everything and had no questions to ask." This really struck me since I had always thought of talking to God and asking my questions. Yet this man in heaven is saying that he had no questions and seemed to already know everything. I wonder if this is what it will be like in Heaven. I know that I will be reunited with Callie in Heaven. That is wonderful hope for me. We won't wonder about the past or anything else that brings us pain. We will simply "know" and be content in that. Hmm. Something to think about friend. Our "whys" and "what ifs" are only temporary.

Radio

Something really weird happened today. A couple of our local radio stations will dedicate a day to someone who has paid for the day. They always give a cheesy message along with their thanks. As I was driving I heard these people's message and they said that they were grateful for their granddaughter Callie Grace. My heart just stopped. I have never heard my daughter's name as another name. I've heard Callie before but not Callie Grace. It was really hard! It has made me think about her all the more today. As my son Corban approaches his 1st birthday in a few weeks I am reminded of all the blessings that we have. He is a living miracle and is such a joy. I can't help but wonder what kind of trouble the two of them would have gotten into! I miss Callie terribly but enjoy every moment with Corban and try to continually remind myself of the gift I have been given in Corban.

Something to Consider

I am currently reading a book by Kay Warren, "Dangerous Surrender". My husband and I were at a youth ministry convention and had the privilege to hear Kay Warren speak about this book and I decided that I had to read it! I didn't expect that it would speak to my heart as much as it has....even about Callie.
I don't know about you but I often find myself looking at other people's lives and questioning God. "Why does a teenage girl have a healthy baby?" "Why do these people who don't want children have children?" I sit back and cast judgment as I see fit as to what I think should happen in a person's life. I was so convicted when I read this the other day.
"....You see, it really isn't any of my business--or your business--what God does in someone else's life. My only business is to follow him. I sometimes call this the WITTY principle--what is that to you? We wrongly accuse God of having favorites, of loving others more than he loves us, of showering others with blessings while leaving us high and dry. We pray and ask for a miracle in our family, only to watch things crumble around us. Yet a friend prays for a miracle in her family and seems to get one. We beg God to heal someone we love, but he or she dies anyway. Another friend asks God to heal their loved one--and he does. We conclude that there is an inequity to his love, and some choose to walk away from him. Here's the bottom line: Figuring out God's ways isn't any of my business. Following him is" Kay Warren "Dangerous Surrender"
That hit me in the heart! The Lord does know what he is doing and we are simply to follow him. Thank goodness that He has it all under control!
Blessings to you friends!