Fresh Perspectives and New Eyes

Anyone who has wanted to buy a car understands this strange phenomenon:  You had only seen this car once or twice and you fell in love with it.  You bought it and now everywhere you look you see it.  It’s as if someone sent out a message to go buy this car and now everyone has it!  But maybe those cars have been there all along and it is only now that you are aware.  Fresh eyes see a fresh perspective.

Loss is much the same.  I’m certainly not comparing the loss of a loved one to a car but it is only after you have experienced loss that you are able to see loss with fresh eyes.  Easter 2007, I was pregnant with Callie and my family had all come to our church for Easter Service.  A young single girl in the congregation approached me and asked if I wanted to take some baby items from her co-worker.  She proceeded to tell me the story of her co-worker whose baby was born without a skull and passed away.  They didn’t want any reminders of the baby and just wanted to get rid of the stuff.  It was really an awkward encounter and I remember just feeling very sorry for this couple.  It was tragic.  After the service we went to lunch and my sister brought up the situation again and encouraged me not to worry about it.  It is so rare.  I honestly wasn’t worried.  I honestly didn’t give a second thought that it would happen to me.  I remember holding the baby in my belly a little tighter that day….but I never thought I would join that club, just 3 months later.

Until I experienced it, I don’t even think that I knew about stillbirth.  Everything can change overnight.  Unfortunately.  One day you are the glowing, pregnant woman and the next you are the “poor girl who lost her baby.”  The awkward run-ins with people who didn’t hear…..”Oh!  Did you have your baby?!!”  Returning the baby stuff and explaining to unsympathetic clerks without losing your composure.   Having your milk come in, and then eventually drying up leaves you with the realization that your last connection with your baby is gone.  Seeing babies.   Everywhere you look.   Those clothes and strollers and car seats……all those things in the patterns you had picked out for your baby.  Your whole world makes you half sick. 

But one day, when you are in a different place emotionally, and everything isn’t so fresh and raw, you realize you have new eyes.  Now everywhere you turn you see hurting people.  You hear stories of loss.  You meet people who have experienced loss.   In another life you would have been saddened by these stories, but now that you have experienced this, you empathize on a whole new level.  You have a bond and a connection that others would not understand.  I am a shy person and don’t typically strike up conversations with random people, but I can talk to people about loss. 

         I have chosen to see my loss of Callie as an opportunity.  I see the opportunity to reach out to hurting people in an effort to help.  I don’t know if it ever works but I want to try.  This doesn’t just apply to loss.  Think of any situation you encounter—divorce, job loss, cancer, abortion—think of the good you can do to help others through similar situations.  Maybe if we all see with fresh eyes the hurting hearts that surround us we can truly transform our world.  Until then I will continue to share Callie’s story in hopes that it touches someone on just the day she needs it!

Blessings to you friends! 

Christmas 2011

Merry Christmas!  My husband got all of our Christmas decorations out this week and it finally feels like Christmas at our house!  The kids both enjoyed looking through all of their ornaments from previous years.  This year Corban was asking questions about the ornaments that are Callie's.  It provided a really good opportunity to continue to tell him of his big sister in Heaven.  He even said her name for the first time.  I don't know what the years hold for our family, but I hope that we continue to have wisdom about how to preserve her memory and her place in our family. 

The ornaments for this year are matching Mickey and Minnie Mouse ornaments for Corban and Ellie.  They ring bells when you pull on a string.  The kids are certainly enjoying them! 

Callie's ornament is a shell from our family vacation to Gulf Shores, Alabama.  This was a perfect shell that even had a hole in the side--perfect for a ribbon.  Her name is written on it in silver. 

Have a wonderful Christmas with your family!  God Bless you in the upcoming year!

Sunsets

We recently went on a family vacation.  My parents started a tradition of taking one week together with all the kids and grandkids together.  One week of uninterrupted time together.  One member from each of our families work at a church which means our weekends together are typically cut short, except the week of vacation.  We started the tradition when I was pregnant (very pregnant) with Callie.  We were so excited to think about our next vacation bringing her along!  Each trip we take I am reminded that she should be with us.  A few nights I stepped out on the balcony and snapped some pictures of the sunset.  After taking this one I realized it was break taking.  I love it when the sunbeams shine through the clouds.  Then it hit me, she is with us.  She's always with us.  Though she isn't physically in our pictures and we aren't buying her a souvenir shirt, she is with us.  Every step of the way. 

"Can You Hear Me Now?"

Do you remember the Verizon man who traveled all over making calls and asking, "Can you hear me now?" Sometimes I feel it is an accurate portrayal of my walk with the Lord. He allows situations to happen, all the while asking for my trust. Sometimes it is with jobs, other times relationships and most often with my children. Losing Callie coupled with Corban's early health scares have left a fear that resides deep within my heart. Actually not that deep--but it is rooted to the very core of my being. I do not want to lose another child. I can not lose another child. So whenever something happens that affects my kids, I seem to go on high alert. Last Friday I was going through Corban's backpack and found a letter that he had failed his hearing screen. I immediately freaked out. We just had his hearing tested a year ago and he was fine. I thought back to his NICU days--the warnings that hearing damage could occur. I was way down the road. Hearing aids for my 3 year old & speech delay & social anxiety. Would my little guy ever "fit in"? I made numerous calls and finally got an appointment with his pediatrician. She checked him out and then referred us to a specialist.

We went today and learned that his tubes are in the process of falling out and are causing fluid to build up again. Simple fix--put a second set of tubes in and remove his adenoids. No permanent hearing loss. I was so relieved.

I could picture the Lord saying, "Can you hear me now? Are you going to trust me now?" I know that even if Corban had hearing loss, we would still be blessed. He is still with us. It is a daily struggle, a daily battle and yet I find myself continually falling short. Losing trust.

We each have our own struggles and areas which we must turn over daily--and this is mine.

My prayer is that each day, I will continue to trust the Lord and His plan for my children's lives and mine. He has carried me this far. He got me through the worst times and He is with me in the best--and everything in between.

We celebrated this afternoon and made muffins together--Thank You Lord for blessing me with this little guy. You knew what you were doing!

What are you holding onto today? Place it in the Lord's hands and allow Him to speak into your soul.

Preschool!!

My little man started preschool this week. Monday night we put him to bed and he was awake for hours. We found him on the floor hiding under the bed muttering something about preschool. He had gotten sick and was completely worked up about starting school the next day. My heart ached. This is the same reaction he had when we started speech therapy--it lasted for the first 6 weeks.

We woke up Tuesday with no power and the news of school being cancelled. Explain to a 3-year old that he can't go to preschool because the lights aren't on--let me know if you have any suggestions. He became excited through the course of the day and by Tuesday night he fell right to sleep and woke up on Wednesday ready for school!

Drop-off time has gone pretty well with a few tears, but his teachers report that he adjusts well and is a delight to have in class.

Ellie and I are settling into a new routine and she seems to be enjoying her independence. She typically follows her brother around but now she is able to do whatever pleases her! I am finding it a little easier to accomplish household tasks with only one child around yet I really do miss my little blond boy.

His heart and sensitivity truly shine as I see him put in these vulnerable situations. I want him to continue to grow and learn, yet I pray that he never loses these qualities. I have determined that preschool is as much a growth journey for parents as it is for the kids. Learning to leave my precious boy each day is a struggle yet I know he is enjoying himself, and that makes it easier.

Happy Preschool Day to you Corban! Mommy loves you and delights in you!

Nanny

I returned home yesterday from an exhausting week in Indianapolis. I went to help my Mom sort through my grandma's house and separate her husband's things. He passed away a few weeks ago after he fell and suffered a broken hip and collapsed lung. My Nanny is in a nursing home suffering with end stage Alzheimer's disease. It was so weird being at her house and rummaging through all her things while she is still alive. Alive in the sense of breathing and having a beating heart. It feels as though she is gone and I've missed her for many years. Her body is here but she is not, as is the way with this cruel disease.

One of the things I found was a journal she kept. There were actually tons of these-where she shared her spiritual insights and ramblings. Things that seem so minor--disagreements with neighbors, feelings towards co-workers and she continued to bring them to the Lord begging for wisdom in her response. In recent years, her mind began to fail, and she began to question if she had a relationship with the Lord. As her family, we brought her back to all the spiritual insights and wisdom she had taught us. We pointed her back to the fruits that were evident in her life. But some took advantage of this opportunity and joined in her disbelief. So she was baptized again and accepted Christ again. It was hard to watch. It was even harder to think about as I read through some of these journals. This woman had such communion with God. I was reading her most personal spiritual thoughts and was still learning from her. We have such a rich spiritual heritage from her. She devoted her life to serving the Lord and volunteering her time.

I am saddened that she is dying, though it feels like she is already gone. About a month ago she was still able to speak on the phone and she thanked me for coming to be with her. "Of course!" I replied. "You are my Nanny and I love you!" and her words will stay with me forever. "And I love being your Nanny." It was a rare moment of clarity for her but a true gift for me. There hasn't been much of a connection for some time but these moments are packed away in my memory box for good.

She will be joining her great-granddaughter in Heaven soon--probably a matter of days. Her eyes will be perfect, her mind will be whole and she will have no more suffering. I have to put in here a quote that I have posted before but it sure seems fitting to use it again.

"I am standing on the seashore. A ship spread her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says , "She is gone." Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at the moment someone says, "She is gone, " there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad shout, "Here she comes," and that is dying." Henry Scott Holland

Blessings to you and your family.

Callie's Birthday Celebration

4 years ago tonight I was dreading the burial of our daughter, Callie. We left the hospital on Friday, the day she was born and the next few days were a blur. Saturday we had to go pick out an outfit for her to be buried in and go to the funeral home to make arrangements. I cannot tell you the pain of having just given birth, walking through a store (they didn't have a wheelchair) and heading back to the baby department--still looking pregnant. We looked for quite awhile and finally decided on a little pink and purple plaid dress that had a sweater with it. We took it along with the other things we had chosen to be buried with her and went to the funeral home. We made all the necessary decisions and signed all the papers and then went to see her casket. We thought we would be seeing her. I thought I would at least get to see her on the day we buried her. We learned that day that we wouldn't get to see her again. Once she was in the casket it couldn't be opened. I would never get to see her in the dress. And we had to narrow down what we wanted to go with her.....it wouldn't all fit. More heart break. So we chose an "I love Daddy bib", her pink silly buddy and in her hand she held a ceramic heart that fits in the middle of a larger heart that I kept. I remember just sitting in our car, crying together. This was it.

On her birthday, it has always been hard to come up with a term to define the day. Celebrate always seemed too happy to me. However, the dictionary definition of celebrate seems quite fitting. "To observe with ceremonies of respect; To make widely known" That is obviously condensed but that is what stuck out to me. So, we did celebrate her birthday.

This year, we had decided to take the kids to a neat park downtown. There is a carousel, a splash pad, walking bridge and tons of open space. We want to have fun with the kids but also take the day to tell more of Callie's story. So we went to dinner at Cheeburger Cheeburger (one of our favorite burger places) and then went to ride the carousel. We took some time walking around and then went to the water's edge. It may sound easy but it was quite an adventure getting all of us out there on the rocks! Corban ended up in the water quite a few times. Once we were out there we took the roses that we had given the kids and plucked off the petals. As we sang "Happy Birthday" to Callie we threw our petals in the water. We explained that we were doing this for sissy in Heaven. We ended the night with ice cream at an old fashioned soda shop.

During our bedtime routine, I was in Corban's bed reading and praying with him. I explained that he had 2 sissys. One in Heaven. One here. He looked kind of confused and pointed to sissy in her crib. "Sissy?" "Yes, you have one sissy here with you and one in Heaven. You have 2 sissys." "2 sissys?" "Yes." "2 sissys. Me have 2 sissys."

This just made me smile. He will continue to get it piece by piece. But for now we will continue to have our celebration of Callie's life. It was a beautiful time together as a family celebrating the little girl who made me a Mom and has shaped the Mom I am today.