Regret....

We recently moved to Georgia for my husband's new job. It is such a blessing that the Lord provided this opportunity for us. There wasn't really much keeping us in our current town. My parents lived there when we moved there a few years ago, but my Dad's job has them travelling a lot so they are rarely home. We loved our church home, and it was a great place of healing for us in the past year, but we were ready to move on to our next adventure. One thing holding me there was my daughter's grave. I know she isn't there. When I've gone to visit it feels so empty and silent. I know she is in Heaven, but this is the last place we were together.
A book I recently read and identified with, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith expressed it very well, "I know she isn't really in there; it's just that her knees are, and I would have loved to kiss them after she fell. I need to mourn the loss of the arms that cannot wrap around me here. Braided hair, a wedding dress, her first wiggly tooth. They are deep within the ground, never to be mine. I needed to feel that loss, and I did."
When we knew we were going to move I told Matt that I would like to visit Callie, alone--(with no kids--I specified). And it didn't happen. It isn't that I didn't remember because I thought about it every day. It just didn't happen. Oh there were reasons. But I wonder if I invented those reasons because I'm not good at good-byes. What I do know is that I wish I would have gone to see her one last time. It might not make sense to you if you haven't experienced loss, but I have deep regrets about this. I should have done whatever it took to see her. Sometimes with everything and everyone else screaming for my attention the silent ones get overlooked. And she is silent. My heart isn't. But she is. So for now, I will wait until we get back and go and visit my silent daughter and be silent with her.

Connected at the........heart

Hello friend. You know when you have a close friend some say you are connected at the hip? I recently felt connected to someone at the heart. When you experience loss in some form or another a sensitivity begins to happen. There are topics, phrases, questions, etc. that touch the forbidden or closed part of your soul. Recently I was on a social networking site and a comment was made that touched that forbidden piece of my heart. I didn't respond to the comment but read through others' comments and saw a comment that stated what my heart felt. I sent a message to this person, who I didn't know, and did my best to encourage her. I could tell from her statement that she had experienced loss. I didn't know the details, nor did I need to, but I could hear her heart's cry. A few emails were exchanged and I was able to connect with this woman. Isn't it amazing how our hurt connects us and binds us together? I found out that she had heard of our sweet Callie and had been praying for us during that time. She also heard of Corban's struggles when he was born. How amazing it is when we find that we are more closely connected than we realize! You never know how you are going to be used in someone's life. Remember to always be faithful and follow through on the Lord's leading! Who knows what it will mean!
Blessings to you friend!

Happy 3rd Birthday

Another year has passed and we cannot imagine what our life would be like with Callie turning 3. I'm sure she would have as much spunk and energy as her little brother and sister do! This year we faced a new challenge as Corban is becoming more aware of things. He doesn't fully understand but we wanted to begin to lay the foundation for him, to learn about his big sister. We took him to the store and let him pick out a balloon to send up to sissy and he carried it out to the cemetary. He looked all around in wonder at the stuffed animals, balloons and flowers all around babyland. Through his innocent eyes it looked like a child's playland when in reality, as an adult, it is a horribly sad sight. We parents who have lost our child know that each balloon and stuffed animal represents a shattered dream. A child we had in mind when we bought that stuffed animal will never know it's softness and comfort.

We walked to Callie's grave and brushed away the grass and debris and Corban wanted to help us and feel the stone. Then we told him that this is sissy's stone, and it is her birthday. We sang "Happy Birthday" to her and he let her balloon go. As he waved bye bye and blew her kisses, I know that this is the beginning of his understanding. I know he doesn't truly know what is going on yet but I hope that the foundation has been laid.

Happy Birthday to my sweet firstborn daughter. Another year has passed without you here and yet it feels like time has stood still in some regards. I look forward to the day that my family is complete and we are all together again.

Live Life to the Fullest

A week ago yesterday, my Mama and Papa came over to meet my daughter, Ellie, for the first time. She is their 6th great-grandchild. They made the 3 hour trip and we enjoyed visiting together while they each got their time with her. It was a nice afternoon and we got pictures of the "first meeting" with the great-grandparents.

If we had known then what we know now we may have done things differently that day. On Monday my Dad told me that my Papa had died suddenly. It was quite a shock to all. He was actually out golfing, which is something he loved to do. He was a wonderful man who enjoyed life and lived it to the fullest, even up to the moment of his death.

I was reminded of a quote from "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium".

Mr. Edward Magorium: [to Molly, about dying] When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words. [pause, walks over to Molly] Mr. Edward Magorium: I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died." Molly Mahoney: [starting to sob] I love you. Mr. Edward Magorium: I love you, too. [picks Molly up, sighs heavily] Mr. Edward Magorium: Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

Papa's life was an inspiration and he touched countless lives, as was evidenced by his memorial service today. He will be greatly missed here on earth, but his legacy and life will not be forgotten. I hope that I rise to the occasion of my life. It would be wonderful if even half of the remarks made today about my Papa, Ray Boyd Cluxton, could one day be said of me.

Blessed

It has been awhile since my last post. Ellie was a month old yesterday. Time flies. I have been thinking of a song that really spoke to me after Corban came home from the hospital. It has spoken to me once again as I've been looking at Ellie. Sometimes I can't take my eyes off of her. She is such a blessing. Even though things get stressful. I get tired and worn out. She still is a great blessing and this is a short season in the grand scheme of things.
If you've never heard the song or even if you have I hope that the lyrics challenge you. I hope that I am able to look at my life and see the losses and disappointments as opportunities to grow and be changed. I hope that I am able to help others through such times.

Jeremy Camp's "Beyond Measure" Song Lyrics
The fog has finally cleared to see,The beautiful life you've given me. To feel the breeze of my newborn's gentle breath. With one to walk hand in hand,To share this life that you have planned. It's like a storybook with dreams That are meant to see every next step is an extraordinary scene[CHORUS]I know that I've been,Given more than beyond measure,I come alive when,I see beyond my fears I know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,I come alive when I've broken down and given you control I've faced a great tragedy,But have seen the works of what you bring A display of faith that you give,I don't know if I will ever understand The depth of what it is you've done inside,But I know that I won't find any worth apart from you Everything that I have Has been given so unselfishly And shown that even when I don't deserve You always show the fullness of your love.

Even though we have faced great tragedy and loss, I can honestly say that I feel that I have been blessed beyond measure. Thank you Jesus for those blessings!

Welcome Ellie Kate Hart!

Our baby girl is here! Ellie Kate was born into the world in literally 30 seconds. We were extremely blessed with a skilled surgeon, Dr. Wheeler, who performed the surgery. It was such an awesome day! We checked into the hospital and found out that a friend who was present at Callie and Corban's births would be able to stay late and assist with Ellie. Gina had switched from the day to the night shift so we thought she wouldn't be there! When I arrived in the operating room she was talking to me and keeping my mind occupied and then another friend came up to me. Amy was one of Corban's primary nurses in the NICU. She took such awesome care of Corban and now she would be in this surgery to take care of Ellie once she was here. It was so wonderful to have friends and people you care about in the operating room to share in this huge event. I was much more relaxed once I knew that Amy had Ellie and was checking her over to make sure all was well. The minute she came out I heard them saying, "She looks like Corban!" Not many people can say that about their delivery!

Well, that is all for now. I just wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers as we entered this day with high anxiety. She has already brought us such joy! I'll post more pictures in the days to come. I must nap now while the children sleep!

P.S. She was born at 7:31 a.m. on 2-12-10. Weight: 6 lbs 10 oz 18 in. long ......and a head full of hair!

C-Section Update

Hello Friends!
The countdown has been going on this week for Ellie's arrival. The surgery is scheduled for 5:15 p.m. this Friday, the 12th! At my last appointment on Monday the doctor was pleased with how she is doing. We could see her little chest rising and falling as she was practicing breathing. This is an encouraging sign, and we are hopeful that the steroid shot has worked. We don't want to end up with another pulmonary hypertension baby in the NICU, like Corban.
We are confident in our surgeon's knowledge. He is a skilled perinatologist and has provided us with wonderful care! We are trusting in the Lord that this will be a good experience and Ellie will be able to stay with us and not go to NICU or that anything else will go wrong. However, I am saying this in faith....because out of fear I worry that something will happen. I would covet your prayers as Friday approaches. We are so excited to meet our daughter and yet are filled with fear and nervousness.
We'll post pictures and updates once she is here and we have settled.