Heaven

Do you ever dream of Heaven? I know that since we lost Callie I think and dream of it much more often. I often wonder what things are like in Heaven. I've read books and tried to learn as much as possible. Sometimes I am sure my theology isn't correct but it brings me comfort.
Shortly after Callie died we were talking about the family Callie was surrounded by in Heaven. She was greeted by her great-grandparents on my husband's side. She was greeted by her great-great grandma and her great-great uncle on my side. I like to think of her upon my great-grandma's knee being bounced as GG "ditsie dooed" her. It was her little trick with babies as she laughed that contagious laugh. I don't know if that happens in heaven or not. But it brought me great comfort in those initial days.
I have mentioned before a wonderful book, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I encourage you to read it, especially if you have experienced loss. She shows such raw emotion and is able to put words to emotions I hadn't been able to. I came across a quote as I was going through the book again.
"I am standing on the seashore. A ship spread her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, "She is gone." Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at the moment someone says, "She is gone," there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad shout, "Here she comes," and that is dying." Henry Scott Holland
What a powerful expression! I often think of when exactly it was that Callie went to see Jesus. I wish I knew when exactly, since she was already gone when we found out. Yet even though I didn't know what was going on, the Saints in Heaven were already on watch and waiting for her. They were calling her home. She is surrounded by more love and beauty that I can imagine. One day when I go to be with Jesus, my daughter will be among those calling to me. What a picture.
I hope this brings comfort to you as you think of those you have lost. Blessings to you.

Heart Check....

I have an extremely heavy heart tonight. It seems that so many sad and heartbreaking stories are unfolding around me. I was lying in bed a few nights ago wondering if it is better to know our babies and to have had time with them or to never know them. I have no answer for this. It isn't right and that is what I do know. A mother shouldn't have to carry her child and never meet him. She shouldn't have to leave the hospital with empty arms. A mother shouldn't have to bring a baby home from the hospital to die. She shouldn't have to love her baby for 14 months and have to say good-bye. These are situations I am wrestling with these days.
In light of these stories, I have decided that the only choice we have is to love well. I have to ask myself, "Am I loving well?" We don't know how long we have with those we love and this isn't limited to babies and children. My grandpa passed away suddenly, almost a year ago. I've been hearing stories of the "unthinkable" happening with no warning.
I challenge you to love those in your life well. We may not have a tomorrow to right the wrongs and treat people differently. I know I need this reminder. I fail so miserably at this!
I'm sorry this is so heavy and is truly a glimpse at my heart right now. If you believe in prayer, please pray for a friend tomorrow whose baby is in his final hours. An ultrasound will be done to check on him tomorrow.
Blessings to you friend. Love well.

Something to Consider

I recently joined a Beth Moore Bible study at my church. It has been a bit of a challenge to get there with the kids being sick off and on. Each time I am able to attend I receive such a huge blessing! We are studying the book of Revelation, which I have always found to be a bit scary. I've studied it at school and in college but I've never done much study of it on my own. The last session I went to is still running through my head--and it was 2 weeks ago!
We were studying Revelation 4-5. The particular section is 5:2-5.
"And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, 'Who is worthy to open the book and break its seals?' And no one in heaven or on the earth or under the earth was able to open the book or to look into it. Then I began to weep greatly because no one was found worthy to open the book or to look into it ; and one of the elders said to me, 'Stop weeping; behold, the Lion that is from the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has overcome so as to open the book and its seven seals.'"
In her teaching, Beth Moore states that God allowed John (the author of Revelation) to feel this void so deeply that he was crying in order for him to appreciate the solution all the more. This hit me hard! How often are we in a dark place do we feel the Lord has left or forgotten us? We feel like life's problems are getting us down. Maybe the Lord is allowing this in our lives so that when He brings a solution to our problem we appreciate it and don't take it for granted!
My children came to mind. I thought of the times we tried for a baby and were unsuccessful. I thought of how we finally felt the Lord had answered our prayers--and we decided her middle name would be Grace--for He had shown us grace. I thought of when we said goodbye to our Callie Grace. I thought of those dark and hopeless times. They seemed to last forever! I wonder if that time and that silence in Heaven felt the same way as the angel was asking for someone worthy to open the book? And then in steps the Lion of Judah! The Answer!! The Solution! My mind then came to the good news of another pregnancy and the birth of Corban. His miraculous little life. I thought of the surprise of another pregnancy and the birth of Ellie Kate. She came home from the hospital with us!! Lord, let me not take these children for granted. Remind me of the dark times--the hopeless times--so that I don't forget to see Your hand in all of this. You have given them to us. They are Yours.
My oh my. What a gracious reminder!
Blessings to you.......and your blessings!

Unexpected Blessing

Happy New Year friend! It was such a wonderful time with family celebrating Christmas and ringing in the New Year. My husband and I had 2 date nights 2 weeks in a row! That is outstanding for us! We hadn't been on a date in quite awhile and it was so nice to be together, just the 2 of us. On one of our dates we stopped by McAlister's to pick up a gallon of sweet tea and it was closed, due to inclement weather. It wasn't snowing or anything--I don't think there was even any snow on the ground either! Such an adjustment to things down here in Georgia! After our Christmas celebration at our house with my parents we went to my sister's house. I was able to meet my new nephew and love on him for a bit. He is so precious! Then we headed further north to my in-laws. We had a nice time celebrating with them and then at the last minute had a change in plans and we were able to head even further north and stay at my parent's house. It was an unexpected blessing in a couple of ways. They are moving and this was probably the last time we were able to go "home" to this house. This house holds special meaning as we held our rehearsal dinner here, lived here quite a few times in between jobs, moves and while Corban was in the NICU. It was our first stop after we left the NICU with Corban. It is also the home we brought Ellie to and lived with her first 6 months. Memories.
The next blessing was in the fact that we were able to go and visit Callie's grave. As I mentioned in a previous post, this was something I had wanted to do before we moved. Now that my parents are moving it was increasingly important to us. So we went and visited. We said "good bye" to the last spot on earth where she was laid. It seemed surreal. We live 8 1/2 hours away and it seems like a bad memory. Yet as I look at my walls and bookcase I realize it is not merely a memory but a piece of my life and my story that has changed me forever.
What unexpected blessings these were to wrap up this chapter of our lives. To say our goodbyes. It seemed fitting that these events would bring 2010 to a close.
I would also like to take a moment to say that though we have experienced loss I am so thankful to the Lord for the blessings He has given to us. I have been hearing many stories of loss in recent days. Babies with medical conditions who haven't made it. Babies with medical conditions who are still struggling. Babies who never even took their first breath. And Mommies who desperately wish for a baby. These stories break my heart, time and again. I remember how blessed I am. Truly blessed.
God's blessings to you in the new year!

Christmas Ornaments

Merry Christmas to you friend! It seems that Christmas has snuck up on me this year! Less than a week and we will be celebrating together. One of the things I struggle with throughout the year is keeping Callie's memory alive within our family. I want our children to grow up knowing about their sister. This may sound strange to some but to others you may understand that though she is gone, she is still very much a part of our family.

One of the ways that we do this at Christmas is through ornaments. When I was pregnant with Callie we bought a stork carrying a pink bundle. It was only fitting that the following year we continued to buy ornaments. We buy each of our kids a different ornament each year. We also place a teddy bear/animal under the tree for each child. Callie's bear was a bear that came with her coffin. We were presented with it on the day of her burial. Once a year her bear comes off the shelf with all of her other keepsakes and sits under the tree.

For her ornament this year we chose something that looks like a crystal teardrop. Each ornament has special meaning. Corban got a Mr Potato Head ornament since he loves Toy Story. Ellie got a sock monkey ornament with her name on it. Sock Monkeys always make her smile and we are actually doing her 1st birthday in Sock Monkeys!

I still haven't found many consistent ways to honor Callie throughout the year. We've taken blankets to the NICU, donated flowers or other things in her name but nothing that is consistent. It is my hope that someday I find a new tradition that doesn't just happen once a year. But for now I am thankful that Christmas has wonderful meaning for our family of 5. I don't get to buy my daughter many things, but I always look forward to choosing that special ornament for our tree. I hope that if you have suffered loss recently or not so recently that you find special ways to honor your loved one and keep his or her memory alive.

Blessings to you and your family as you celebrate this year!

Thanksgiving

This year I have a lot for which to be thankful. I should rephrase that. This year it seems that I am more aware of those things. A lot of changes occured this past year. We had been living with my parents for almost a year after a job loss. Now we are blessed to have a job, a house and to be surrounded by wonderful people. I have a wonderful husband, who gave me a wonderful surprise tonight. I have had the privilege of giving birth to 3 precious children and the blessing of raising two of them every day. As tomorrow approaches I am left sitting here with memories--which seem to be what I am most thankful for--the past.
"Black Friday". Before all the craziness and stampedes occured, my Nanny, my Mom, my Sister and I would all go shopping together. We would get up really early (around 6:00 in those days) and we would bundle up (we were in Indiana) and stand in lines before the stores opened. We'd race through the crowds to get our goodies and tackle the next store. It was such a wonderful time together. Nanny always took lots of pictures. As you can imagine it was quite embarrassing with all of the crowds! I don't look too happy in a lot of the pictures--this just wasn't "cool". Now, my Nanny suffers from Alzheimers. I wish we could go back to those days and share one more outing. We still take her shopping but it sure is different. I am thankful for the memories I have and hope that my daughter has memories like this one day.
This is also the first Thanksgiving without my grandpa, Papa. As my only grandpa, he has a special place in my heart. He always carved the turkey for thanksgiving. He was always waiting at the door when we pulled up and had a warm hug for you. Before the meal he would always have us hold hands and he would express his sentiments. It seems like he could always make me cry--the patriarch of the family speaking his wisdom and thanks for family being together, for health and for love. It wasn't anything profound but simply his heart and positive outlook. It will be a different Thanksgiving without Papa. He is so dearly missed. I am thankful, though, for the years we did have with him.
It just feels like a very different year, as I get older and traditions change. I miss the old times. But maybe what I miss most is the innocence of those days. The days when grandparents didn't age and health didn't fail. I'm not trying to be a "Debbie Downer." I really am thankful. It just seems to me that this year I am most thankful for the memories of the past and the strong heritage of my past that sticks with me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Give your loved ones a hug and tell them you love them!

Regret....

We recently moved to Georgia for my husband's new job. It is such a blessing that the Lord provided this opportunity for us. There wasn't really much keeping us in our current town. My parents lived there when we moved there a few years ago, but my Dad's job has them travelling a lot so they are rarely home. We loved our church home, and it was a great place of healing for us in the past year, but we were ready to move on to our next adventure. One thing holding me there was my daughter's grave. I know she isn't there. When I've gone to visit it feels so empty and silent. I know she is in Heaven, but this is the last place we were together.
A book I recently read and identified with, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith expressed it very well, "I know she isn't really in there; it's just that her knees are, and I would have loved to kiss them after she fell. I need to mourn the loss of the arms that cannot wrap around me here. Braided hair, a wedding dress, her first wiggly tooth. They are deep within the ground, never to be mine. I needed to feel that loss, and I did."
When we knew we were going to move I told Matt that I would like to visit Callie, alone--(with no kids--I specified). And it didn't happen. It isn't that I didn't remember because I thought about it every day. It just didn't happen. Oh there were reasons. But I wonder if I invented those reasons because I'm not good at good-byes. What I do know is that I wish I would have gone to see her one last time. It might not make sense to you if you haven't experienced loss, but I have deep regrets about this. I should have done whatever it took to see her. Sometimes with everything and everyone else screaming for my attention the silent ones get overlooked. And she is silent. My heart isn't. But she is. So for now, I will wait until we get back and go and visit my silent daughter and be silent with her.