Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Given your history....

This is a phrase that I've heard too many times recently. I'm currently 34 weeks into my 3rd pregnancy. It has been a rather uneventful pregnancy until the past week. At the 33 week mark I turned into a ball of nerves. If you haven't read Callie's story in previous posts, this is the point at which she passed from this life on to a life in heaven. She never moved like my other children. Her movement was so subtle, it could easily be mistaken for gas or hunger pains, due to her small size. So when she wasn't moving a lot one day, I went with the general advice I'd heard...that babies move less the further along you get in your pregnancy. Three days passed until I realized that maybe something was wrong. I ignored every possibly indication thinking it was normal. Now I err on the opposite side, which has resulted in a trip to the hospital both Saturday night and last night. Saturday I was feeling a lot of pressure and pain so I called the doc on call---given your history....it would be best to get it checked out. She was still moving a lot so I wasn't concerned that she was gone...more concerned she was on her way. Last night I had a sharp pain after a movement that I made and suddenly I felt less movement from her. After an hour of drinking ice water, laying on my side and poking her I still wasn't feeling her. I freaked out. We called the doc on call on the way to the hospital and again....given your history.....you are doing the right thing. I cried the whole way there thinking that we would be going through the most traumatic event in our lives for a second time. After a couple hours of monitoring we were able to get her heart rate to fluctuate some and I was sent home. All is well thankfully.
It has really gotten me to thinking that people who have never experienced such things just really don't get it. In one moment you are taken right back to the worst day of your life and are suddenly reliving it. You can try to be rational and try to talk yourself out of it....but it doesn't work. When you have a history it is a part of you. You try to learn from it so that you don't make the same mistakes again. My husband's old boss asked (before he fired him) if he was over the death of Callie. Case in point. He just didn't get it. You don't just get over it. It becomes a part of you and your story.
If you are reading this, I would ask for your thoughts and prayers are we continue to progress in this pregnancy for a few more weeks. Emotionally I need some strength. We desperately hope to be able to deliver a healthy baby girl who we can bring home from the hospital with us.

Out of these ashes Beauty will rise And we will dance among the ruins We will see it with our own eyes Out of this darkness New light will shine And we"ll know the joy that"s coming in the morning ...from "Beauty Will Rise"

Blessings to you all!!


StaciJ said...

I will keep all of you in my prayers over the next few weeks.

And you're 100% right about such an event in our lives. Nearly anything can trigger our grief and send us right back to the moment we first felt it...and we have to re-grieve it all over again. But I'm encouraged that you don't expect to get over it. Such a loss is not something we get over. It's something that changes us as people, for the rest of our lives. May God grant you peace over the coming weeks. Much Love.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you! Staci said everything I was going to say. We will never get over losing our children but God will provide us the strentgh to get through the sadness. Looking forward to your joy in the next few weeks. We love you guys!

Rob, Michelle & Emily

Beth Morrison said...

I will be praying for you also. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster you are on and how fearful you may be. We will pray for you and Baby.

Anonymous said...

My dear sister,
Even as your sister, thinking I can "understand" you better, it still never can be that way. Last night I was grieving in the car in Nashville. I was crying and calling out to God to touch Ellie. I cannot wait until this sweet precious life joins us. I love you all so much and pray daily for your strength.

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you, Mindy. May God overwhelm you with peace. May He help your precious baby girl continue to grow healthy and strong during these last few weeks in the womb. Soon, you will be holding her in your arms. I find that I still have to remind myself that my children are in His hands. Looking forward to celebrating her safe arrival with you!
Cyndi Hail

Theresa said...

Love you, sweetie. Feeling pain with you that you are experiencing this. Continuing to pray with you and for you that God will continue to be so generous and especially give you the gift of peace and trust, even as you continue grieving for Callie, but look forward to Ellie's arrival. Be kind to yourself, no matter what your emotions or reactions are right now. Much love, Theresa