The Loudest Voices

I am married to a youth pastor, as most of you know. Our days of youth ministry have changed drastically from when we first started. We began our first youth ministry job as an engaged/ newlywed couple and we did everything together. The kids were over at our house 2-3 nights a week, we were at the church at every opportunity and we did ministry as a team--most often the only adults present. At the next church we still didn't have children so we approached ministry in much the same way--involved in everything at the church, late night events, etc. Things began to change at the next church. I was pregnant when we began and my involvement was different from the very beginning. I tried to find ways to be involved and yet also to keep my priorities in front of me--my family. We would have teens over to the house, hold meetings there and would take different teens out to dinner, etc. Now that we have 2 children --and 2 little children at that--my involvement is very limited. I support my husband through prayer and encouragement. I can make food and offer my home, but that is really about it. My children are my top priority.


There are always things that happen in ministry that can cause you to lose heart. It is such a tough job! You watch your husband give and give and sacrifice family time and then what happens? Criticism. Judgment. You name it. Typically it occurs over something very small but then gets blown out of of proportion. Occasionally an encouraging word is spoken. Why is it that even if encouragement and criticism happen on the same day, you remember the criticism? The negative voices are simply the loudest. This is so true in life, isn't it? In a room full of 25 kids--if even one is talking--you notice because it is disruptive. You forget the 24 that are still paying attention. The one ruins it for everyone else.


I've been really thinking about this lately as we've had a few issues arise in our personal life. It keeps sticking with me. Then I began to think of the voices/ thoughts inside my own head. (Not like I hear voices--please understand!) I think I have expressed my own feelings of guilt over the loss of Callie. I think over and over about how I should have done things differently. I question the times I missed my progesterone pills or my vitamin. What about that time I fell? I should have spoken up when this happened.....I could have done this......the list goes on and on. Why is it that I have such a hard time telling myself that I couldn't have done anything differently. I had no control over this. It wasn't my fault. Yet as often as I say it....those thoughts come back. Again, the negative voices are the loudest.


I don't know what negative voices you are listening to these days but I want to challenge you to stop listening! Listen to the positive voices, the encouraging voice that tell you "You can do it." I promise it will change your outlook on the day and life!


2 Corinthians 10:5 "And we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."

Happy Birthday Corban!

Today is my little boy's 3rd birthday. It doesn't seem possible! 3 years ago no one was sure if he would survive. Through many ups and downs he pushed through and is now our miracle baby. He showed so much determination and fight in those first days--traits that he still possesses and will get him far in life! He is such a sensitive and tender hearted little guy. I often wonder what he will be when he grows up. Whatever it is.....I know he will impact many people!

Today is our family party and we are having his favorite for dinner---hot dogs and macaroni and cheese! Top it off with a Mickey Cake and presents, who could ask for more? Saturday we will have his big birthday party. He is so excited! He keeps asking to be picked up to see the calendar and we count down till the big day! It is so fun to see him grow and change. I'm so thankful that the Lord performed a miracle in his life and spared him. I will always give Him the credit and praise Him! Corban--is actually a Biblical name. Mark 7:11 uses it as a noun--it is an act of giving something completely to God. So--our Corban--has been from the beginning something that had to be given completely to God. God used wonderful nurses and doctors to care for him and us in our journey. We are forever thankful!

Happy Birthday to my sweet boy. I love you so much!

Siblings...

Recently I had to take my kids to the Emergency Room. It wasn't an "emergency" but our pediatrician is in the tornado "affected area" so we went to a very small, local hospital. We received adequate care for our needs that day. While the doctor was examining the kids he remarked "I bet they fight all the time." I responded to him that they get along pretty well most days.
I have been thinking about his comment since I left. Corban and Ellie really do get along quite well. They greet each other with smiles and laughter after being separated--if only for a nap. She follows him like a lost puppy and he most often encourages this!
I'm not saying that every day is perfect--it isn't. They each want the same toy or need to be reminded not to push and hit. But I hope that we can continue to encourage them to be close and loving siblings. I think that as parents it is up to us to help foster closeness between our kids. We can do a lot to help this or to deter this.
Do you have any tips or suggestions for me? I would love to hear them!

Preparing for Baby

Have you ever prepared for a baby? Perhaps you have not yet had a baby but have prepared for a niece, nephew or maybe a friend's baby? I recently read a facebook post by a girl who is pregnant for the first time and it said "I didn't know laundry could be so much fun!" She was doing laundry for the baby's arrival and it took me back to the time I was pregnant for the first time. I like to have things organized and planned and I like to be prepared. I remember washing Callie's clothes and feeling the same way about her laundry. I loved washing her things and taking in their scent as I hung them on hangers or put them in her dresser. I had already put bottles in the cupboards and toys in the baskets in the living room. Her room was ready. We were ready.

Callie was the first granddaughter on both sides of our families. Everyone was excited about the new things a little girl would bring to our family. Dolls and dresses. Ribbons and hairbows. Oh the fun would be endless! I recently came across a very special gift that was intended for Callie from my grandma. My mom is an only child, making my sister and I the only grandchildren. So little girls have always had a special place in her heart. I have many fond memories with my grandma. She took us Easter dress shopping every year and we chose the perfect dress to wear to church Easter morning. Nanny has been suffering with Alzheimer's for awhile now but was recently admitted to a memory care center. We went to her house to pick up a few things and I came across a dress she had bought for Callie. She had shown it to my Mom and the date on the receipt confirmed that this was that very dress. It was a beautiful pink smocked dress with a matching bonnet and pink tights. It would have been the perfect baptism dress. Nanny was preparing for her first great-granddaughter. She had followed the tradition she had with us in buying beautiful dresses. It is now something I will hold on to forever.

John 14:2, Jesus says He is going to prepare a place for us. I imagine it is much the same. He has everything ready for us, as we do for our children to come home to us. I know there is a place being prepared for my Nanny. I wonder if Callie is waiting on her and preparing to meet her. Nanny will meet her great-granddaughter one day soon. For now I am treasuring the small glimpses I get of the "old" Nanny. She is still there.....somewhere. What a beautiful reminder for us to be prepared.

Blessings to you.

Heaven

Do you ever dream of Heaven? I know that since we lost Callie I think and dream of it much more often. I often wonder what things are like in Heaven. I've read books and tried to learn as much as possible. Sometimes I am sure my theology isn't correct but it brings me comfort.
Shortly after Callie died we were talking about the family Callie was surrounded by in Heaven. She was greeted by her great-grandparents on my husband's side. She was greeted by her great-great grandma and her great-great uncle on my side. I like to think of her upon my great-grandma's knee being bounced as GG "ditsie dooed" her. It was her little trick with babies as she laughed that contagious laugh. I don't know if that happens in heaven or not. But it brought me great comfort in those initial days.
I have mentioned before a wonderful book, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I encourage you to read it, especially if you have experienced loss. She shows such raw emotion and is able to put words to emotions I hadn't been able to. I came across a quote as I was going through the book again.
"I am standing on the seashore. A ship spread her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, "She is gone." Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at the moment someone says, "She is gone," there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad shout, "Here she comes," and that is dying." Henry Scott Holland
What a powerful expression! I often think of when exactly it was that Callie went to see Jesus. I wish I knew when exactly, since she was already gone when we found out. Yet even though I didn't know what was going on, the Saints in Heaven were already on watch and waiting for her. They were calling her home. She is surrounded by more love and beauty that I can imagine. One day when I go to be with Jesus, my daughter will be among those calling to me. What a picture.
I hope this brings comfort to you as you think of those you have lost. Blessings to you.

Heart Check....

I have an extremely heavy heart tonight. It seems that so many sad and heartbreaking stories are unfolding around me. I was lying in bed a few nights ago wondering if it is better to know our babies and to have had time with them or to never know them. I have no answer for this. It isn't right and that is what I do know. A mother shouldn't have to carry her child and never meet him. She shouldn't have to leave the hospital with empty arms. A mother shouldn't have to bring a baby home from the hospital to die. She shouldn't have to love her baby for 14 months and have to say good-bye. These are situations I am wrestling with these days.
In light of these stories, I have decided that the only choice we have is to love well. I have to ask myself, "Am I loving well?" We don't know how long we have with those we love and this isn't limited to babies and children. My grandpa passed away suddenly, almost a year ago. I've been hearing stories of the "unthinkable" happening with no warning.
I challenge you to love those in your life well. We may not have a tomorrow to right the wrongs and treat people differently. I know I need this reminder. I fail so miserably at this!
I'm sorry this is so heavy and is truly a glimpse at my heart right now. If you believe in prayer, please pray for a friend tomorrow whose baby is in his final hours. An ultrasound will be done to check on him tomorrow.
Blessings to you friend. Love well.

Something to Consider

I recently joined a Beth Moore Bible study at my church. It has been a bit of a challenge to get there with the kids being sick off and on. Each time I am able to attend I receive such a huge blessing! We are studying the book of Revelation, which I have always found to be a bit scary. I've studied it at school and in college but I've never done much study of it on my own. The last session I went to is still running through my head--and it was 2 weeks ago!
We were studying Revelation 4-5. The particular section is 5:2-5.
"And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, 'Who is worthy to open the book and break its seals?' And no one in heaven or on the earth or under the earth was able to open the book or to look into it. Then I began to weep greatly because no one was found worthy to open the book or to look into it ; and one of the elders said to me, 'Stop weeping; behold, the Lion that is from the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has overcome so as to open the book and its seven seals.'"
In her teaching, Beth Moore states that God allowed John (the author of Revelation) to feel this void so deeply that he was crying in order for him to appreciate the solution all the more. This hit me hard! How often are we in a dark place do we feel the Lord has left or forgotten us? We feel like life's problems are getting us down. Maybe the Lord is allowing this in our lives so that when He brings a solution to our problem we appreciate it and don't take it for granted!
My children came to mind. I thought of the times we tried for a baby and were unsuccessful. I thought of how we finally felt the Lord had answered our prayers--and we decided her middle name would be Grace--for He had shown us grace. I thought of when we said goodbye to our Callie Grace. I thought of those dark and hopeless times. They seemed to last forever! I wonder if that time and that silence in Heaven felt the same way as the angel was asking for someone worthy to open the book? And then in steps the Lion of Judah! The Answer!! The Solution! My mind then came to the good news of another pregnancy and the birth of Corban. His miraculous little life. I thought of the surprise of another pregnancy and the birth of Ellie Kate. She came home from the hospital with us!! Lord, let me not take these children for granted. Remind me of the dark times--the hopeless times--so that I don't forget to see Your hand in all of this. You have given them to us. They are Yours.
My oh my. What a gracious reminder!
Blessings to you.......and your blessings!