I was listening to the radio and heard a song recently that summarized the state of my heart lately. One of the lines "I've seen joy, I've seen regret, And you have been my God through all of it." Wow. Truth. The days of infertility-longing for a baby and seeing one negative pregnancy test after another. God was with me. The joy and elation of finding out about a baby, learning she was a girl, naming her and preparing for her. God was with us. (And I believe and sensed he was preparing us all along the way.) The fateful day we heard the bad news. God was with us. Delivery. God was with us. Burial. God was with us. Going through our home to pack away all of her things. He was with us. The pain and emptiness. He was with us. Pregnant again. God. Scared. God. Delivery. God. NICU. God. Out of options. God. Miracle. God. Bringing home a healthy 1 month old baby boy. God was with us. Sleepless nights. God was with us. Laughter and joy. God was with us. And it goes on. He has been with us and given us the strength to get through each season of our lives. Every blessing and every heartache has been sifted through His hands. He hasn't changed. He hasn't forgotten about us. He has been our God through all of it.
October is another month that brings Callie up nearly every day. It's painful. It hurts. And sometimes I feel lower than I'd like. Yet God is faithful as always. It is always my hope that I have been softened by her life and will one day impact other lives in a way that points them to Him.