Seven. What would my daughter be like at age seven? Would she be missing her front teeth? Would she love gymnastics or maybe dance? Would she love pink, purple, unicorns and rainbows as much as her little sister? It's hard to imagine and yet I find myself longing to know. I wish my children would have known her as more than their sister in Heaven. I wish I could have seen them playing together and yes, even fighting together.
Today I drove through the mountains to Pennsylvania to visit my parents. It was a majestic sight and a glorious reminder of our smallness. As I drove a rather profound thought or vision came to me.
Go back with me 7 years ago to the night before I delivered Callie. My husband and I lay in the hospital room crying and pleading with the Lord to heal our baby girl. We knew that with one touch, one word--even a single thought---our God had the power to defy the findings of the ultrasound. He had the power to touch her body, inside mine, and make her whole. Well, you know our story......... her healing on earth wasn't part of His plan. I can honestly tell you that I haven't been angry with God--from day one. I haven't blamed God--from day one. And I think you know I would tell you if I did either one. However I have always wanted to know why. I don't understand why God chose to not heal her. I have always figured that would be the one question I would ask God when I get to Heaven. Over the past 7 years I have learned to live with the unanswered questions. I'm okay with those on this side of Heaven, because I understand that His ways are not like ours. A classic picture of this is that I think that in Heaven it will matter. It won't. I'll say it again. When I get to Heaven it will not matter why she died. It won't matter if God healed her. I will be in the presence of Jesus Christ, my Savior and Lord. My sweet girl has been there her entire life. She took her first steps on the streets of gold. Danced her first dance recital in the presence of our King. I am sure that whatever color she likes best is far more wonderful in Heaven and the rainbows must be spectacular.
So I would say that today, for the first time in 7 years, I am okay with NEVER knowing or understanding the greatest question of my life. God doesn't owe me a explanation. He is God. And I am not.