A Walk Down Memory Lane

Well, my son, turned 5 a few weeks ago.  I can't believe how much progress he has made this year.  I was recently going through pictures and videos and was truly amazed at how his speech has improved.  I know that every child is special to his parents, yet Corban is beyond special.  After losing Callie the doctors had encouraged us to wait around 3-6 months before trying to have another baby.  We didn't want to wait and be pregnant at the same calendar time as we had been before.  It had taken a long time to get pregnant with Callie and we figured it would take a long time again, so we decided to begin trying.  I can't begin to express the joy and fear that surrounded us when we found out we were expecting again.  It was a long pregnancy and I felt as if I were holding my breath during the entire thing.  I saw my doctor weekly and had ultrasounds at each visit.  I remember the first ultrasound that revealed we were having a boy.  To be completely honest, for a second I was disappointed.  I desperately wanted to have another little girl.  But after the words came out of the tech's mouth, she showed us a 3D picture of his little face, and I fell in love.  The pregnancy was fairly routine and we scheduled a c-section for 37 weeks.  Since Callie died at 33 weeks, they didn't want to push me too far in the pregnancy and lose this baby.  Everything looked good on his ultrasounds and we were ready to have this little guy!

The morning he was born was one of the most bittersweet days of my life.  I remember laughing and joking with the doctor through his delivery, hearing him cry and breathing a deep sigh of relief.  He was here and breathing.  The next 8 hours or so are a blur to me.  A blur without a baby.  He needed to be observed...he needed this....he needed that.......and there I was stuck in my bed waiting for the spinal to wear off.  Finally, a doctor came in followed by our family and said a bunch of stuff that I honestly didn't understand.  What I did understand was that he would need to stay in the NICU for 24-48 hours.  They brought me a picture of him and I waited until late that night to have my bed wheeled into the NICU to see him.  Not hold him.  Just to look at him.  It just plain stunk.  No way around it.  It didn't look much better the next day.  We were able to go in-2 at a time--to see him but every time we talked to him his numbers dropped and his oxygen levels went down.  If you are a NICU parent, you understand that night time is often a bad time and when you awake you learn bad news.  I woke up on Mother's Day with very bad news that they were going to have to hook him up to a ventilator because he was not improving.  We made the first executive decision as his parents.  We decided that we wouldn't allow any visitors.  We knew our family and friends wanted to see him, but he was so sick and as I mentioned, he declined whenever there was any stimulation.  We agonized and second guessed ourselves, but it was what we had to do.  I didn't think about it at the time, but as I look back, I realize that this was only the beginning of the "tough calls" we would have to make. 

As time has continued and he has grown older, we continue to have to make those tough parental decisions. I mentioned that he just turned 5, which means he is old enough to go to Kindergarten next year.  However, we are choosing to keep him in preschool for one more year.  We feel that one more year to receive speech and occupational therapy both in school and through a private practice will benefit him tremendously.  It has not been an easy decision.  But we have made the decision we feel is best, after praying about it and talking about it.  So as I have gone through these past few weeks, reflecting on the life and accomplishments of my son, it has been a good reminder to me.  The things that are so big and weigh so heavy on us, will be a mere memory as we look back on their life.  I don't say this to make light of things, for I know how hard we love!  But what I am saying is this:  My prayer is that one day my children will trust us and our discernment with the decisions we made and if they don't, that they extend us grace in our short comings and recognize our love and heart above all.
Today was Corban's last day of school.  I am so proud of him and how much he has overcome!  I can't wait to see what one more year brings.