Friday, March 13, 2009

Heart Aches

Hi Friends. I hope that you are doing well. Isn't it amazing that though we've never met, we have a common bond and common heart ache? Recently I have had some friends have babies. It is so awesome to share in this miracle in their lives! I can never relax when I know that people are pregnant around me. I just worry that something is going to happen. Thankfully all 3 of the babies were born healthy and the moms are doing well too! I am so thankful! One baby was even born at 35 weeks. She is doing well though!
On a different note. My husband came home the other day and told me about a discussion he had with a lady at our church. She had asked if we had bought a dress for Callie to wear when she was buried. I was quite honestly horrified at the question. Well the reason that she was asking was because a few hospitals in the area had contacted the church recently. With the economy in the shape that it is people are not able to buy their babies outfits to be buried in. It broke my heart. I still remember picking out Callie's dress. Now I wish that I had another one like it. I never got to see her in it. Now there are people who can't afford to buy their precious babies something to forever rest in. I am going to start looking for sales on preemie clothes to donate to the local hospitals. I would encourage you if you are able to consider doing the same. Imagine the incredible gift you could give someone. My heart aches for these families. My heart aches for you, my friend. There is a reason that you are reading this. I am praying for you, though I may not know you. I feel your heart and I feel you pain.



Anonymous said...

I am so glad to see you using your story to touch other women. My husband and I are youth pastors. I found this through married to a youth pastor. I have a very similar story except three times and can't have any of our own. I am so bless and have found strength in knowing God has a plan. I would love to share my story, but at the moment I am too moved by yours and April 1st marks the two year birth of my last son and knowing I can't have children. This is a sensitive time of year. I will come back soon and would love to share how God has blessed me.
Thanks and God Bless
Mary Rodgers

Anonymous said...

Hi it is me again Mary. As I said before I am so glad you created a blog and posted on MTYP. I would like to encourage you in this. I have thought about doing a blog or something before, but never have. As I said be for I am blessed to have this life. I would like to share my story now that my heart is our of my throat.
When I meet my husband he was in school to be a YP, but he had to stop because he ran out of money. We got married and bounced around from church to church the first six months. Then we bought a house and joined a local church. Before long we were working with youth and loving it. One month before our one year anniversary I found out I was pregnant. It was a Sunday morning before church that I got a positive test. Naturally we went to church told everyone and called our parents. One month later to day before our anniversary I miscarried. We were very upset and I got very depressed. After two months later i was pregnant again. This time I was very guarded. I would not just trust God that it would be okay. We had some trouble with the church and left. We began to drift away. I was so sick I could not eat any thing. I lost 25 pounds and was miserable. At my five month visit the doctor said he thought there could be something wrong with the baby. My BP was staying up and I kept telling the Doc I thought something was wrong. He said all was fine, but I was to go to a specialist for test. 24 hours later at home my BP was 195/100 I had chest pain and my husband rushed me to the ER. This was my first time every to be in a hospital other then work, I am a nurse, so I was really scared. I got very poor care and could have stroked many times. All along they said baby was fine. By the next night I was stable and they told me if I did well over night I would go home. At MN the nurse came to check baby's heart tones. By the way we knew it was a boy and had named him Enoch James Rodgers. The nurse could was having trouble finding the heart beat so she did a sonogram. There was a slow little beat on the screen. I know it was his heart, but the nurse was calm and said everything's okay I just need to call the Doc and let them know I am having trouble getting heart tones. I know something was wrong but I thought if I say it then it will be true. Ten minutes later the doctor burst into the room and said "I would like to say I am not worried, but I am". She did a sonogram by then there was nothing. We has seen his last heart beats earlier. We had to face the fact that he was gone. They induced me and a few hours later I held my lifeless baby. I was too drugged to know really what happened and really only had pictures to remember holding him. The weeks to follow I was told I had a blood clotting disorder and my placenta clotted off (I staved my baby) thats what I thought anyway. They said I might not be able to have kids and over the next few months I went through many test. I had nightmares of my hospital stay and my husband and I began to doubt God. Six month after losing Enoch and many test I was assured it was safe for us to try again and we could have kids.
We planed on waiting, but God had other plans. One week before our two year anniversary we had a bad car wreak. I had a bad concussion and full leg brace and some how in trying to celebrate our two year guess what? I got pregnant. I believed it had to be God and this baby was a gift. I promised God and myself I was going to trust and love the baby every moment without doubt. For the most part I did. We went back to our Church and things went pretty normal. I did everything the doc said shot twice a day and much more. I did pretty good up until five months then I began having bad chest pain. We found out it was another boy and we named him Joshua Logan Rodgers. I kept telling the docs something was wrong. They said it was just anxiety because I lost the last one at five months. For a week I was in and out of the ER and docs office with this chest pain until Fri. my husband found me rocking and crying on a chair at home the pain was so bad. He even was starting to think I was just panicing. He did take me back to the ER and this time my labs were off. My doc (praise God) was off and his associate was covering. She admitted me and began resurching what could be wrong. You would have thought I was giving birth if was screaming so loud with chest pain. By the time so fingered out what was going on my liver (the chest pain) was shutting down and my kidneys too. I had early HELLP and my body was shutting down. They told my husband I would likely die, but they were going to take the baby and try to save me. They induced and I labored for 1 hours. When he was born he was alive for about ten minutes we watched he breath and I have pictures of him holding me pinky and of us holding him. He was too young for them to save him. I recovered quickly. The doc said I should have been in ICU for weeks, but two days after delivery I went home. Both times I was taken out of the hospital my arms were so empty. I should have had a baby.
I was told never to try again or death would happen my husband had a vasectomy because they would not operate on me. Through all of this so many times I wanted to die. I had friends talk me out of ending my life at times. I had so much guilt for my life being spared and not his. For not being able to give my husband kids. I ask my husband to devorice me so he chould be happy with someone else. Through it all he stayed by my side and loved me through it.
Two weeks after I lost my last son and my husband got fired for taking off so much time with me he got a call. From a church! Talk about timing we were not ready for that. He was hired to be the yp, but we were eased into it slowly. We are still at that church and God is awesome. I have sometimes 25 kids that need my love a attention. It still hurts, but God have given me peace that not having kids lets me give all my attention. God has bless us so much in ways I could never imagine. I know God was holding me through it all and thank God he had a plan for me greater then I knew. My life is a gift he gave me many times over and protected me from myself. I live each day praying my sons death will not be in vain. Now not only are we youth pastors I am a nurse on a female complications floor. I did not plan for that either and that is another testimony of how I got there, but I now know God is using me to be a wounded healer. Words cannot express all I would want to tell you, but hopefully being able to say God is good after all this is testimony enough. I also take peace in knowing I will see my kids again and until then they are being loved and cared for by the best parent of all his creator.

Mindy Hart said...

Hi Mary,
I am so glad that you found the blog and have shared your story! I am so sorry to hear of your losses and pain. I will certainly be praying for you in the upcoming weeks, as the anniversary draws near. I know the many emotions that are stirred up by those times. If you want to talk more, I am here and am listening. God truly has been faithful to you, hasn't He? He has an awesome purpose and plan for your life!!