Bereaved Mother's Day

Our hearts have been heavy this week.  We had been praying for a baby boy named Hezekiah and he didn’t make it.  I don’t honestly know much of his story and it isn’t mine to share, but his Dad went to school with my husband, both high school and college.  He is also a youth pastor in our former city.  My husband called to ask me to be praying because Hezekiah was in the NICU (at the same hospital all my kiddos were born).  I don’t even know the number of people praying and interceding on his behalf.  In faith, his parents called special prayer vigils and Hezekiah did surpass some of the odds against him.  Yet in spite of these things, he is now in the presence of Jesus in Heaven.

Even as I write this I am drawn to tears for this family, whom I have never met.  My heart aches so deeply for them.  I grieve for them as someone who has experienced loss.   As I have gone to bed at night, I surround them in prayer because I know that night time is the worst.  During the day you can busy yourself with so many things, but at night, when the darkness surrounds you, all you can see is your baby and memories haunt you.

I want to share something with you that maybe no one has shared before or maybe you haven’t really given it much thought.  I want to share with you a few things to do and not to do if you encounter someone who is grieving. 

• Be there for your friend if she wants you around.  Some women want to be alone and some women want company.
• Be a listening and sympathetic ear.  You don’t have to speak.  You don’t have to have the answers. 
• Don’t rush her to get back to normal or get rid of things if she isn’t ready. 
• Ask her how you can help-maybe give her specific examples like a meal, cleaning, etc.
• Make something or donate something in honor of her loved one.
• Don’t use clichés.  Most often they will end up in hurt.
• Understand that she may be unpredictable (especially in the first few weeks). 
• Allow her to grieve however she sees fit; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. 

I have “met” some beautiful women, thanks to Callie Grace.  We probably will never meet on earth, but I know that one day we will stand together with our children.  I am thankful for their lives and their stories.  I hurt for them and ache for their children too.  Yet I am honored to walk alongside them through their grief journey.  I want to allow you the opportunity to pass along my information to anyone who you feel would benefit.  You never need to ask for my permission or anything of that nature.  I love talking about Callie and I am blessed to be able to come alongside women who have suffered loss. If you have any additional advice, please post it as a comment! Blessings to you, my friends.  

Choose Your Own Adventure

I love to read.  I have always enjoyed books of all varieties.  When I was young I liked to read my mom’s old Nancy Drew books, Anne of Green Gables and who could forget The Babysitter’s Club? Do you remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books?  The reader would pick an ending and flip to that chapter and could essentially alter the ending.   Am I the only one that tried to buck the system?  I would read through one time, and then the next time I would choose a different ending, hoping to change the ending.  It never worked.  The middle had different variations yet the ending was always the same. 

I realized (in a way) I have been trying this with my life for the past 5 years.  In my mind’s “adventure” I was trying to find different scenarios that would somehow change the ending of my story, the story where my baby girl dies.  Yet the ending is always the same, Callie isn’t here. 

I have come to a new place of acceptance and hope.  You see, before, there was a perfect world where I could write our own story, and in it I have my 3 kids, Callie, Corban and Ellie.  But I know the reality of it is that if I had carried Callie to term, there probably wouldn’t be a Corban.  If there were a Corban down the road, there probably wouldn’t be an Ellie.  So, yes, I fully understand that I can’t have everything I want. Then I travel down another road, what if she was here and was very sick?  What if she was here and I wasn’t?  It’s quite a conundrum.  I want my 3 healthy children here with my husband and me, yet it can’t be. 

Somehow, only by the Lord’s grace and peace, I have begun to embrace this idea.  When I look at our life I see the Lord’s blessing and provision time and time again.  I see His grace of allowing us to become pregnant with Callie Grace and then I see His peace and strength during her delivery, burial and the times that followed.  I see His grace once again when I became pregnant with Corban and His power when He healed Corban and spared his life.  Again, when I became pregnant with Ellie and delivered a healthy baby girl and was able to bring her home, we were overwhelmed with His compassion.  We are truly blessed.  Does my life look like what I imagined?  No.  My life looks so much better than what I imagined.  Yes, there were heartaches along the way and yes a piece of our hearts and family is in Heaven.  But this life on earth that I’m living has been truly a gift from God. 

Are you trying to find meaning in the story of your life?  Maybe you are trying to alter the ending in your own story.  Let me challenge you with this thought:  You are not the author.  It might come as a shock, but to me it is a relief.  Thankfully, I trust the Lord’s will for my life.  I don’t always understand it or like it, but I know that what He has planned is for my good.  Embrace the life you’ve been given—every chapter of it. 

Capture Your Grief

As you can see, I haven't continued posting the remaining Capture Your Grief posts.  I posted on a few other days, but I have chosen not to continue with this project.  It is just too much.  Grief surrounds us at every angle of our life.  We are part of this "club" no one wants to be in and yet we are stuck. 
There are 3 people I know and am following, 2 of which are babies, who are fighting for their lives.  There are so many hurting people in the world, and I am choosing to focus on the HOPE I cling to--the Hope that one day we will be a complete and united family. 
There were days in this journey that the posts were applicable but there were also days that weren't applicable to me.  I don't have a "sign" that I associate with Callie.  There were posts that I was looking forward to-about birthday/anniversary celebrations and family pictures, but this is the choice I have made. 
It isn't that I don't think about Callie or want to think about her--it is quite the opposite--but I cannot force myself to go back and recount every detail.  It is too painful.  I would rather choose to remember the precious few moments we had with her and not focus on the time I didn't get to have with her. 
I hope you understand, but I'm not sure you will, and that's ok.  You see--this was a journey for me--and it was part of my grief journey.  Of course, I will continue to blog about Callie--but it is going to be on my own terms and in my own time.  Maybe I will keep the suggested topics and post now and again. 
Please, if you ever have questions for me for yourself personally or a friend, I'm always here. 

Capture Your Grief-Day 5

Memorial

We have a shelf that is where Callie's things go. Her picture's are on our walls but this is the place where all of the closest reminders of her are kept. A pregnancy journal that I kept full, her latest ultrasound picture, a baby carriage ornament my parents gave me that Christmas I was pregnant, a doorhanger pillow and bear my sister gave me while I was in labor, a bear that came with her casket, some willow tree figurines that have special meaning to me, roses that were part of the funeral flowers. The most important piece to me is the box that the hospital gave me, with her footprints, lock of hair, baby bracelet and other very personal items. I don't open this box very often.

Capture Your Grief Day 4

Treasured Item

 

One of the treasured items of mine is this porcelain heart.  It isn't anything fancy or costly.  In fact, if one didn't know the story it might end up on the shelf of a local thrift store.  Yet this heart in irreplacable.  One of my labor and delivery nurses, Dianna, gave it to me shortly after I delivered Callie.  She had been my nurse most of the time I was in the hospital.  She was so kind to us, allowing us time to wrap our heads around what was happening.  Though she was kind and compassionate, she never showed much emotion.  After Callie was born, Dianna came to me with this small box.  She handed it to me and with tears in her eyes, she explained that I could do whatever I wanted with it.  I could keep both pieces or give the small heart inside to Callie or I could give her the larger heart.  She said it was just a small  mememto.  We chose to bury Callie with the small heart in her hand.  So, you see, she truly has a piece of our hearts.  Each member of our family also got a small porcelain stone that has the same small heart on it.  

Capture Your Grief Day 3

After-Loss Self Portrait

 

I don't have any pictures of the 3 of us, nor do I have pictures of the burial.  I could go on and add to the list of regrets but I won't.  So this is the picture that was taken the closest to Callie's birth.  It was a week later, my birthday.  My grandma wanted to come and "celebrate" with me.  We went to the church where Matt was on staff and put on a happy face, listening to all the efforts to console us.  Some people were very kind and hugged us and loved on us and there were those who just should have kept quiet.  Once I was safe in the car I broke down crying.  I had faced the world now.  I felt fat, had stretch marks, was milk-engorged and wearing maternity clothes but didn't have my baby, because we had buried her a few days earlier.  My grandma was insistent on taking some pictures, which I just wasn't up to--but she was my grandma--so I appeased her.  Thankfully the sunglasses hid my swollen eyes.    

Etsy Shop Open!!

I just opened an Etsy shop!  I'd love it if you stopped by and looked around! 
Silver Lined Harts Etsy Shop