Capture Your Grief-Day 5

Memorial

We have a shelf that is where Callie's things go. Her picture's are on our walls but this is the place where all of the closest reminders of her are kept. A pregnancy journal that I kept full, her latest ultrasound picture, a baby carriage ornament my parents gave me that Christmas I was pregnant, a doorhanger pillow and bear my sister gave me while I was in labor, a bear that came with her casket, some willow tree figurines that have special meaning to me, roses that were part of the funeral flowers. The most important piece to me is the box that the hospital gave me, with her footprints, lock of hair, baby bracelet and other very personal items. I don't open this box very often.

Capture Your Grief Day 4

Treasured Item

 

One of the treasured items of mine is this porcelain heart.  It isn't anything fancy or costly.  In fact, if one didn't know the story it might end up on the shelf of a local thrift store.  Yet this heart in irreplacable.  One of my labor and delivery nurses, Dianna, gave it to me shortly after I delivered Callie.  She had been my nurse most of the time I was in the hospital.  She was so kind to us, allowing us time to wrap our heads around what was happening.  Though she was kind and compassionate, she never showed much emotion.  After Callie was born, Dianna came to me with this small box.  She handed it to me and with tears in her eyes, she explained that I could do whatever I wanted with it.  I could keep both pieces or give the small heart inside to Callie or I could give her the larger heart.  She said it was just a small  mememto.  We chose to bury Callie with the small heart in her hand.  So, you see, she truly has a piece of our hearts.  Each member of our family also got a small porcelain stone that has the same small heart on it.  

Capture Your Grief Day 3

After-Loss Self Portrait

 

I don't have any pictures of the 3 of us, nor do I have pictures of the burial.  I could go on and add to the list of regrets but I won't.  So this is the picture that was taken the closest to Callie's birth.  It was a week later, my birthday.  My grandma wanted to come and "celebrate" with me.  We went to the church where Matt was on staff and put on a happy face, listening to all the efforts to console us.  Some people were very kind and hugged us and loved on us and there were those who just should have kept quiet.  Once I was safe in the car I broke down crying.  I had faced the world now.  I felt fat, had stretch marks, was milk-engorged and wearing maternity clothes but didn't have my baby, because we had buried her a few days earlier.  My grandma was insistent on taking some pictures, which I just wasn't up to--but she was my grandma--so I appeased her.  Thankfully the sunglasses hid my swollen eyes.    

Etsy Shop Open!!

I just opened an Etsy shop!  I'd love it if you stopped by and looked around! 
Silver Lined Harts Etsy Shop

Capture Your Grief Day 2

Day 2-Self Portrait before loss

 

We went to Hilton Head for a family vacation in May 2007.  I remember many things from this trip.  It was the first family vacation for my nephew, Owen.  Trey celebrated his 2nd birthday and I made a cake shaped like a car for him.  It was the first time we felt Callie move.  My sister, having already given birth twice, asked if we had felt her move.  I wasn't sure that we had.  It didn't feel like her moving, it felt like hunger.  One time it happened and I grabbed her to feel my stomach.  She confirmed that it was the baby moving.  We were so excited to finally feel it!  (I was 7 months along).  I also remember my nephew, Trey, touching my belly and talking to Callie.  It was a great trip.  Matt and I were enjoying our time together, figuring it would be the last vacation with just the 2 of us.  We also celebrated my first mother's day that year. 

One evening we went into the mall and I slipped and fell on some slippery tile in a store.  I was fine.  I got back up and was irritated with the store for not having a "caution sign" up or at least some mats since it had been raining that day.  I'm sure it had no relevance to Callie's fate but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder.  I never brought it up but a few years ago my husband asked me about it.  I thought I was the only one who remembered the fall. 

I wouldn't say that I would go back to this place in time, because that would mean I wouldn't have the blessing of my son and daughter, here on earth.  Yet I look at this picture and my heart hurts.  It is the only picture I have of me, while pregnant with Callie.  I was so self-conscious that I didn't want any pictures taken.  I wish I had celebrated being pregnant more and done all the pregnancy things.  But more so my heart hurts for this young woman I see.  I don't know her anymore.  We are different people but I hurt because I know what she will go through in a few short weeks and she has no clue. 



Capture Your Grief Day 1

Sunrise (Daybreak)

 

The month of October I have decided to be part of a project called "Capture Your Grief".  Each day there is a subject to photograph or post.  Today's subject was sunrise, fitting as the project is beginning today. 

 

I didn't have a great view of the sunrise.  So I chose to take a picture of daybreak.  It reminded me of the song "Morning Has Broken".  I remember after losing Callie that nightime was the worst.  When I closed my eyes, I re-lived everything.  I was so exhausted yet as night drew near, I dreaded getting in bed.  It was such a relief when morning arrived.  The darkness was gone.  A new day had begun. 

 

I don't know what I hope to gain by participating in this project, only that I may continue one day at a time, on this grief journey.  Feel free to check out the other people participating:

https://www.facebook.com/events/101506653340779/

 

Morning has broken, like the first morning

Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird

Praise for the singing, praise for the morning

Praise for them springing fresh from the Word.

 

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven

Like the first dewfall, on the first grass

Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden

Sprung in completeness where His feet pass.

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning

Born of the one light, Eden saw play

Praise with elation, praise every morning

God's recreation of the new day.

 



Sifted

I just finished reading a wonderful book from one of my favorite authors, Angie Smith.  Her first book was about the loss of her child.  She was so raw and uninhibited with her feelings and I felt an immediate connection with her.  The book I just finished was about the fears of women.  She was just as real in this book as she was in her first book.  One common thread was that everything we go through has been sifted through God's hands.  He knew before we were born the events of our life.  This isn't a new concept to me.  I grew up in the church and have learned and experienced this many times.  Yet this time it struck a chord in me. 
My Lord knew when I was a baby each and every step I would take.  When I was a little girl and I lovingly mothered all my dolls, he knew I would have to give one back to Him.  When I played "house" in my playhouse, God knew what my house would be like.  He knew it all. 
On one hand that is hard to swallow, isn't it?  Couldn't He stop it from happening, then?  Absolutely.  Couldn't He protect me and let me live a carefree, happy life?  You bet.  But then, that would be assuming we know better than Him. 
So, how do we square the fact that the Lord of the universe allows bad things to happen to us, His children?  I believe that He has used everything in my life to prepare me for the trials.  It isn't easy.  It doesn't make the pain go away.  But it does help me to know that He has a reason and is going to use it for good. 
There is still one thing that makes my heart ache though.  My grandma, Nanny, continues to be trapped in her body while Alzheimer's has her mind.  She has been a faithful servant of the Lord all of her life.  She volunteered years of her life to missions and ministry work.  Yet, now her eyesite is about 95% gone.  She no longer speaks or walks.  To all of us, as humans, her work on earth is done and yet she is trapped here.  It certainly doesn't seem fair.  We long for her to be with Jesus in heaven with a new and perfect body.  It hurts to see her hurt.  BUT......who are we to say that we know better?  Maybe the reason she is still on this earth isn't for her but for us.  There are many lessons we can still learn from her about God and about ourselves.  I am going to have to change my thinking.  It's easy to think "this is what I would do" but we don't run the world, thank goodness. 

Her birthday was last month and I made her a small lovey to hold on to.  Hopefully somewhere in her mind, as she holds it, she is reminded of the love we have for her.  So until she goes to be with Jesus, I have to ask myself, "What can I learn from you, Lord, through Nanny?"  One thing I know is that the Lord saw this and prepared her for it all of her life.  I don't know the reason but maybe I'm not supposed to know.