Hopeful Harts

Christmas 2011

2011-12-04T16:17:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas! My husband got all of our Christmas decorations out this week and it finally feels like Christmas at our house! The kids both enjoyed looking through all of their ornaments from previous years. This year Corban was asking questions about the ornaments that are Callie's. It provided a really good opportunity to continue to tell him of his big sister in Heaven. He even said her name for the first time. I don't know what the years hold for our family, but I hope that we continue to have wisdom about how to preserve her memory and her place in our family.

The ornaments for this year are matching Mickey and Minnie Mouse ornaments for Corban and Ellie. They ring bells when you pull on a string. The kids are certainly enjoying them!

Callie's ornament is a shell from our family vacation to Gulf Shores, Alabama. This was a perfect shell that even had a hole in the side--perfect for a ribbon. Her name is written on it in silver.

Have a wonderful Christmas with your family! God Bless you in the upcoming year!

Sunsets

2011-10-29T18:32:00.000-07:00

We recently went on a family vacation. My parents started a tradition of taking one week together with all the kids and grandkids together. One week of uninterrupted time together. One member from each of our families work at a church which means our weekends together are typically cut short, except the week of vacation. We started the tradition when I was pregnant (very pregnant) with Callie. We were so excited to think about our next vacation bringing her along! Each trip we take I am reminded that she should be with us. A few nights I stepped out on the balcony and snapped some pictures of the sunset. After taking this one I realized it was break taking. I love it when the sunbeams shine through the clouds. Then it hit me, she is with us. She's always with us. Though she isn't physically in our pictures and we aren't buying her a souvenir shirt, she is with us. Every step of the way.

"Can You Hear Me Now?"

2011-10-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the Verizon man who traveled all over making calls and asking, "Can you hear me now?" Sometimes I feel it is an accurate portrayal of my walk with the Lord. He allows situations to happen, all the while asking for my trust. Sometimes it is with jobs, other times relationships and most often with my children. Losing Callie coupled with Corban's early health scares have left a fear that resides deep within my heart. Actually not that deep--but it is rooted to the very core of my being. I do not want to lose another child. I can not lose another child. So whenever something happens that affects my kids, I seem to go on high alert. Last Friday I was going through Corban's backpack and found a letter that he had failed his hearing screen. I immediately freaked out. We just had his hearing tested a year ago and he was fine. I thought back to his NICU days--the warnings that hearing damage could occur. I was way down the road. Hearing aids for my 3 year old & speech delay & social anxiety. Would my little guy ever "fit in"? I made numerous calls and finally got an appointment with his pediatrician. She checked him out and then referred us to a specialist.

We went today and learned that his tubes are in the process of falling out and are causing fluid to build up again. Simple fix--put a second set of tubes in and remove his adenoids. No permanent hearing loss. I was so relieved.

I could picture the Lord saying, "Can you hear me now? Are you going to trust me now?" I know that even if Corban had hearing loss, we would still be blessed. He is still with us. It is a daily struggle, a daily battle and yet I find myself continually falling short. Losing trust.

We each have our own struggles and areas which we must turn over daily--and this is mine.

My prayer is that each day, I will continue to trust the Lord and His plan for my children's lives and mine. He has carried me this far. He got me through the worst times and He is with me in the best--and everything in between.

We celebrated this afternoon and made muffins together--Thank You Lord for blessing me with this little guy. You knew what you were doing!

What are you holding onto today? Place it in the Lord's hands and allow Him to speak into your soul.

Preschool!!

2011-09-09T10:36:00.001-07:00

My little man started preschool this week. Monday night we put him to bed and he was awake for hours. We found him on the floor hiding under the bed muttering something about preschool. He had gotten sick and was completely worked up about starting school the next day. My heart ached. This is the same reaction he had when we started speech therapy--it lasted for the first 6 weeks.

We woke up Tuesday with no power and the news of school being cancelled. Explain to a 3-year old that he can't go to preschool because the lights aren't on--let me know if you have any suggestions. He became excited through the course of the day and by Tuesday night he fell right to sleep and woke up on Wednesday ready for school!

Drop-off time has gone pretty well with a few tears, but his teachers report that he adjusts well and is a delight to have in class.

Ellie and I are settling into a new routine and she seems to be enjoying her independence. She typically follows her brother around but now she is able to do whatever pleases her! I am finding it a little easier to accomplish household tasks with only one child around yet I really do miss my little blond boy.

His heart and sensitivity truly shine as I see him put in these vulnerable situations. I want him to continue to grow and learn, yet I pray that he never loses these qualities. I have determined that preschool is as much a growth journey for parents as it is for the kids. Learning to leave my precious boy each day is a struggle yet I know he is enjoying himself, and that makes it easier.

Happy Preschool Day to you Corban! Mommy loves you and delights in you!

Nanny

2011-07-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

I returned home yesterday from an exhausting week in Indianapolis. I went to help my Mom sort through my grandma's house and separate her husband's things. He passed away a few weeks ago after he fell and suffered a broken hip and collapsed lung. My Nanny is in a nursing home suffering with end stage Alzheimer's disease. It was so weird being at her house and rummaging through all her things while she is still alive. Alive in the sense of breathing and having a beating heart. It feels as though she is gone and I've missed her for many years. Her body is here but she is not, as is the way with this cruel disease.

One of the things I found was a journal she kept. There were actually tons of these-where she shared her spiritual insights and ramblings. Things that seem so minor--disagreements with neighbors, feelings towards co-workers and she continued to bring them to the Lord begging for wisdom in her response. In recent years, her mind began to fail, and she began to question if she had a relationship with the Lord. As her family, we brought her back to all the spiritual insights and wisdom she had taught us. We pointed her back to the fruits that were evident in her life. But some took advantage of this opportunity and joined in her disbelief. So she was baptized again and accepted Christ again. It was hard to watch. It was even harder to think about as I read through some of these journals. This woman had such communion with God. I was reading her most personal spiritual thoughts and was still learning from her. We have such a rich spiritual heritage from her. She devoted her life to serving the Lord and volunteering her time.

I am saddened that she is dying, though it feels like she is already gone. About a month ago she was still able to speak on the phone and she thanked me for coming to be with her. "Of course!" I replied. "You are my Nanny and I love you!" and her words will stay with me forever. "And I love being your Nanny." It was a rare moment of clarity for her but a true gift for me. There hasn't been much of a connection for some time but these moments are packed away in my memory box for good.

She will be joining her great-granddaughter in Heaven soon--probably a matter of days. Her eyes will be perfect, her mind will be whole and she will have no more suffering. I have to put in here a quote that I have posted before but it sure seems fitting to use it again.

"I am standing on the seashore. A ship spread her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says , "She is gone." Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at the moment someone says, "She is gone, " there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad shout, "Here she comes," and that is dying." Henry Scott Holland

Blessings to you and your family.

Callie's Birthday Celebration

2011-07-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

4 years ago tonight I was dreading the burial of our daughter, Callie. We left the hospital on Friday, the day she was born and the next few days were a blur. Saturday we had to go pick out an outfit for her to be buried in and go to the funeral home to make arrangements. I cannot tell you the pain of having just given birth, walking through a store (they didn't have a wheelchair) and heading back to the baby department--still looking pregnant. We looked for quite awhile and finally decided on a little pink and purple plaid dress that had a sweater with it. We took it along with the other things we had chosen to be buried with her and went to the funeral home. We made all the necessary decisions and signed all the papers and then went to see her casket. We thought we would be seeing her. I thought I would at least get to see her on the day we buried her. We learned that day that we wouldn't get to see her again. Once she was in the casket it couldn't be opened. I would never get to see her in the dress. And we had to narrow down what we wanted to go with her.....it wouldn't all fit. More heart break. So we chose an "I love Daddy bib", her pink silly buddy and in her hand she held a ceramic heart that fits in the middle of a larger heart that I kept. I remember just sitting in our car, crying together. This was it.

On her birthday, it has always been hard to come up with a term to define the day. Celebrate always seemed too happy to me. However, the dictionary definition of celebrate seems quite fitting. "To observe with ceremonies of respect; To make widely known" That is obviously condensed but that is what stuck out to me. So, we did celebrate her birthday.

This year, we had decided to take the kids to a neat park downtown. There is a carousel, a splash pad, walking bridge and tons of open space. We want to have fun with the kids but also take the day to tell more of Callie's story. So we went to dinner at Cheeburger Cheeburger (one of our favorite burger places) and then went to ride the carousel. We took some time walking around and then went to the water's edge. It may sound easy but it was quite an adventure getting all of us out there on the rocks! Corban ended up in the water quite a few times. Once we were out there we took the roses that we had given the kids and plucked off the petals. As we sang "Happy Birthday" to Callie we threw our petals in the water. We explained that we were doing this for sissy in Heaven. We ended the night with ice cream at an old fashioned soda shop.

During our bedtime routine, I was in Corban's bed reading and praying with him. I explained that he had 2 sissys. One in Heaven. One here. He looked kind of confused and pointed to sissy in her crib. "Sissy?" "Yes, you have one sissy here with you and one in Heaven. You have 2 sissys." "2 sissys?" "Yes." "2 sissys. Me have 2 sissys."

This just made me smile. He will continue to get it piece by piece. But for now we will continue to have our celebration of Callie's life. It was a beautiful time together as a family celebrating the little girl who made me a Mom and has shaped the Mom I am today.

Happy Birthday Callie!

2011-06-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

Another year has come and gone and Callie's birthday is this week. Each year brings new challenges and new memories. This is the first year that we are away from her grave. It will be a little different to not go and visit. Last year we released balloons "to her" and I've struggled with what to do this year. I think we have come up with a good idea to incorporate the kids, have a special time as a family and yet keep things positive.

I may have shared before, but the entire week is tough. I re-live that whole week of learning she had passed, then the labor and delivery and finally the funeral and burial. Then, my birthday. It always is tough that the week right before my birthday is consumed with such sorrow. It isn't that I am without hope of seeing her one day. It is the weight that she is missing from our family.

I heard a song recently that brought back a flood of memories from my pregnancy. It is by "Fergie" and is called "Big Girls Don't Cry." If you haven't been pregnant, listen when I say that you will sing to the baby in your belly. I don't know why but I always sang along to the radio on this one for Callie. I even remember the day that we lost her (or at least found out) driving around and killing time before my appointment and singing this song to her, with my hand on my belly. I haven't heard the song for quite awhile and the other night it came on the radio. Instantly it took me back to that moment. Singing to my baby, and she was already gone. Already in Jesus' arms. But I have to disagree with the song. Even big girls cry.

So as we embark on our week of memories, it is my hope and prayer that we honor her memory and speak a little bit of her life into our remaining 2 children's lives. I'm sure I will post more after our special night on Wednesday.

Embracing The Differences

2011-06-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

The past 9 months have been extremely challenging months. We have been battling health issues with my daughter, Ellie. She began losing weight, losing her appetite and remaining consistently fussy. We have had many scares where blood work or tests came back with abnormal results. We went to Atlanta to see her specialist this past week and received the first truly positive report. She has gained weight and we don't have to return for a few months. It was an amazing feeling! We almost ran out of the office so they couldn't come back with something different (like they had the wrong chart!) :)

The "fussiness" is just part of her personality, in my opinion. When she was a day old the lactation consultant came to see us and nicknamed her "punky" because she was so feisty. At my postpartum check the NP commented on how "intense" she was. Those were both true statements and continue to be. She had colic that lasted FOREVER! Every afternoon from 4:00 on I was basically chained to the recliner with her in my lap. As she has gotten older, she is into everything. All the time. We put locks on all cabinets. She climbs chairs and has even gotten onto the kitchen counter. She is fearless. And yet I know that these same qualities that have been so hard to corral and parent will be what takes her so far in life. She will turn into a driven woman who accomplishes anything she sets her mind to! She has a wonderful senses of humor and loves to laugh. Though she is intense she is also intense in her love. She adores her brother and wants to spend every minute with him. She loves to hug and cuddle Mommy and Daddy.

So though the temporary (though sometimes it doesn't feel so temporary!) fussiness is challenging I am trying to remember that these days will go quickly. I'm trying not to compare her to her brother (who was quite a different story). I'm trying to look at her for the little person that she is and is becoming and do my best as a Mom to nurture those traits positively.

I love this little girl so much. We do have a very strong bond because of how much time we have spent together! So she still has my heart :) I was giving her a bottle before her nap and when she decided she was full, she popped her paci in her mouth. I sat there for a minute rocking her and looking at her. "You know Mommy loves you?" She sat there looking at me so intently. Again, "You know how much Mommy loves you?" She smiled such a big grin through her paci and I melted. Yep, even though she's a pistol (as I call her), she's MY pistol.

The Loudest Voices

2011-05-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

I am married to a youth pastor, as most of you know. Our days of youth ministry have changed drastically from when we first started. We began our first youth ministry job as an engaged/ newlywed couple and we did everything together. The kids were over at our house 2-3 nights a week, we were at the church at every opportunity and we did ministry as a team--most often the only adults present. At the next church we still didn't have children so we approached ministry in much the same way--involved in everything at the church, late night events, etc. Things began to change at the next church. I was pregnant when we began and my involvement was different from the very beginning. I tried to find ways to be involved and yet also to keep my priorities in front of me--my family. We would have teens over to the house, hold meetings there and would take different teens out to dinner, etc. Now that we have 2 children --and 2 little children at that--my involvement is very limited. I support my husband through prayer and encouragement. I can make food and offer my home, but that is really about it. My children are my top priority.

There are always things that happen in ministry that can cause you to lose heart. It is such a tough job! You watch your husband give and give and sacrifice family time and then what happens? Criticism. Judgment. You name it. Typically it occurs over something very small but then gets blown out of of proportion. Occasionally an encouraging word is spoken. Why is it that even if encouragement and criticism happen on the same day, you remember the criticism? The negative voices are simply the loudest. This is so true in life, isn't it? In a room full of 25 kids--if even one is talking--you notice because it is disruptive. You forget the 24 that are still paying attention. The one ruins it for everyone else.

I've been really thinking about this lately as we've had a few issues arise in our personal life. It keeps sticking with me. Then I began to think of the voices/ thoughts inside my own head. (Not like I hear voices--please understand!) I think I have expressed my own feelings of guilt over the loss of Callie. I think over and over about how I should have done things differently. I question the times I missed my progesterone pills or my vitamin. What about that time I fell? I should have spoken up when this happened.....I could have done this......the list goes on and on. Why is it that I have such a hard time telling myself that I couldn't have done anything differently. I had no control over this. It wasn't my fault. Yet as often as I say it....those thoughts come back. Again, the negative voices are the loudest.

I don't know what negative voices you are listening to these days but I want to challenge you to stop listening! Listen to the positive voices, the encouraging voice that tell you "You can do it." I promise it will change your outlook on the day and life!

2 Corinthians 10:5 "And we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."

Happy Birthday Corban!

2011-05-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

Today is my little boy's 3rd birthday. It doesn't seem possible! 3 years ago no one was sure if he would survive. Through many ups and downs he pushed through and is now our miracle baby. He showed so much determination and fight in those first days--traits that he still possesses and will get him far in life! He is such a sensitive and tender hearted little guy. I often wonder what he will be when he grows up. Whatever it is.....I know he will impact many people!

Today is our family party and we are having his favorite for dinner---hot dogs and macaroni and cheese! Top it off with a Mickey Cake and presents, who could ask for more? Saturday we will have his big birthday party. He is so excited! He keeps asking to be picked up to see the calendar and we count down till the big day! It is so fun to see him grow and change. I'm so thankful that the Lord performed a miracle in his life and spared him. I will always give Him the credit and praise Him! Corban--is actually a Biblical name. Mark 7:11 uses it as a noun--it is an act of giving something completely to God. So--our Corban--has been from the beginning something that had to be given completely to God. God used wonderful nurses and doctors to care for him and us in our journey. We are forever thankful!

Happy Birthday to my sweet boy. I love you so much!

Siblings...

2011-04-30T18:45:00.001-07:00

Recently I had to take my kids to the Emergency Room. It wasn't an "emergency" but our pediatrician is in the tornado "affected area" so we went to a very small, local hospital. We received adequate care for our needs that day. While the doctor was examining the kids he remarked "I bet they fight all the time." I responded to him that they get along pretty well most days.
I have been thinking about his comment since I left. Corban and Ellie really do get along quite well. They greet each other with smiles and laughter after being separated--if only for a nap. She follows him like a lost puppy and he most often encourages this!
I'm not saying that every day is perfect--it isn't. They each want the same toy or need to be reminded not to push and hit. But I hope that we can continue to encourage them to be close and loving siblings. I think that as parents it is up to us to help foster closeness between our kids. We can do a lot to help this or to deter this.
Do you have any tips or suggestions for me? I would love to hear them!

Preparing for Baby

2011-04-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever prepared for a baby? Perhaps you have not yet had a baby but have prepared for a niece, nephew or maybe a friend's baby? I recently read a facebook post by a girl who is pregnant for the first time and it said "I didn't know laundry could be so much fun!" She was doing laundry for the baby's arrival and it took me back to the time I was pregnant for the first time. I like to have things organized and planned and I like to be prepared. I remember washing Callie's clothes and feeling the same way about her laundry. I loved washing her things and taking in their scent as I hung them on hangers or put them in her dresser. I had already put bottles in the cupboards and toys in the baskets in the living room. Her room was ready. We were ready.

Callie was the first granddaughter on both sides of our families. Everyone was excited about the new things a little girl would bring to our family. Dolls and dresses. Ribbons and hairbows. Oh the fun would be endless! I recently came across a very special gift that was intended for Callie from my grandma. My mom is an only child, making my sister and I the only grandchildren. So little girls have always had a special place in her heart. I have many fond memories with my grandma. She took us Easter dress shopping every year and we chose the perfect dress to wear to church Easter morning. Nanny has been suffering with Alzheimer's for awhile now but was recently admitted to a memory care center. We went to her house to pick up a few things and I came across a dress she had bought for Callie. She had shown it to my Mom and the date on the receipt confirmed that this was that very dress. It was a beautiful pink smocked dress with a matching bonnet and pink tights. It would have been the perfect baptism dress. Nanny was preparing for her first great-granddaughter. She had followed the tradition she had with us in buying beautiful dresses. It is now something I will hold on to forever.

John 14:2, Jesus says He is going to prepare a place for us. I imagine it is much the same. He has everything ready for us, as we do for our children to come home to us. I know there is a place being prepared for my Nanny. I wonder if Callie is waiting on her and preparing to meet her. Nanny will meet her great-granddaughter one day soon. For now I am treasuring the small glimpses I get of the "old" Nanny. She is still there.....somewhere. What a beautiful reminder for us to be prepared.

Blessings to you.

Heaven

2011-03-09T16:20:00.000-08:00

Do you ever dream of Heaven? I know that since we lost Callie I think and dream of it much more often. I often wonder what things are like in Heaven. I've read books and tried to learn as much as possible. Sometimes I am sure my theology isn't correct but it brings me comfort.
Shortly after Callie died we were talking about the family Callie was surrounded by in Heaven. She was greeted by her great-grandparents on my husband's side. She was greeted by her great-great grandma and her great-great uncle on my side. I like to think of her upon my great-grandma's knee being bounced as GG "ditsie dooed" her. It was her little trick with babies as she laughed that contagious laugh. I don't know if that happens in heaven or not. But it brought me great comfort in those initial days.
I have mentioned before a wonderful book, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I encourage you to read it, especially if you have experienced loss. She shows such raw emotion and is able to put words to emotions I hadn't been able to. I came across a quote as I was going through the book again.
"I am standing on the seashore. A ship spread her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, "She is gone." Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at the moment someone says, "She is gone," there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad shout, "Here she comes," and that is dying." Henry Scott Holland
What a powerful expression! I often think of when exactly it was that Callie went to see Jesus. I wish I knew when exactly, since she was already gone when we found out. Yet even though I didn't know what was going on, the Saints in Heaven were already on watch and waiting for her. They were calling her home. She is surrounded by more love and beauty that I can imagine. One day when I go to be with Jesus, my daughter will be among those calling to me. What a picture.
I hope this brings comfort to you as you think of those you have lost. Blessings to you.

Heart Check....

2011-03-02T17:02:00.001-08:00

I have an extremely heavy heart tonight. It seems that so many sad and heartbreaking stories are unfolding around me. I was lying in bed a few nights ago wondering if it is better to know our babies and to have had time with them or to never know them. I have no answer for this. It isn't right and that is what I do know. A mother shouldn't have to carry her child and never meet him. She shouldn't have to leave the hospital with empty arms. A mother shouldn't have to bring a baby home from the hospital to die. She shouldn't have to love her baby for 14 months and have to say good-bye. These are situations I am wrestling with these days.
In light of these stories, I have decided that the only choice we have is to love well. I have to ask myself, "Am I loving well?" We don't know how long we have with those we love and this isn't limited to babies and children. My grandpa passed away suddenly, almost a year ago. I've been hearing stories of the "unthinkable" happening with no warning.
I challenge you to love those in your life well. We may not have a tomorrow to right the wrongs and treat people differently. I know I need this reminder. I fail so miserably at this!
I'm sorry this is so heavy and is truly a glimpse at my heart right now. If you believe in prayer, please pray for a friend tomorrow whose baby is in his final hours. An ultrasound will be done to check on him tomorrow.
Blessings to you friend. Love well.

Something to Consider

2011-01-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

I recently joined a Beth Moore Bible study at my church. It has been a bit of a challenge to get there with the kids being sick off and on. Each time I am able to attend I receive such a huge blessing! We are studying the book of Revelation, which I have always found to be a bit scary. I've studied it at school and in college but I've never done much study of it on my own. The last session I went to is still running through my head--and it was 2 weeks ago!
We were studying Revelation 4-5. The particular section is 5:2-5.
"And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, 'Who is worthy to open the book and break its seals?' And no one in heaven or on the earth or under the earth was able to open the book or to look into it. Then I began to weep greatly because no one was found worthy to open the book or to look into it ; and one of the elders said to me, 'Stop weeping; behold, the Lion that is from the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has overcome so as to open the book and its seven seals.'"
In her teaching, Beth Moore states that God allowed John (the author of Revelation) to feel this void so deeply that he was crying in order for him to appreciate the solution all the more. This hit me hard! How often are we in a dark place do we feel the Lord has left or forgotten us? We feel like life's problems are getting us down. Maybe the Lord is allowing this in our lives so that when He brings a solution to our problem we appreciate it and don't take it for granted!
My children came to mind. I thought of the times we tried for a baby and were unsuccessful. I thought of how we finally felt the Lord had answered our prayers--and we decided her middle name would be Grace--for He had shown us grace. I thought of when we said goodbye to our Callie Grace. I thought of those dark and hopeless times. They seemed to last forever! I wonder if that time and that silence in Heaven felt the same way as the angel was asking for someone worthy to open the book? And then in steps the Lion of Judah! The Answer!! The Solution! My mind then came to the good news of another pregnancy and the birth of Corban. His miraculous little life. I thought of the surprise of another pregnancy and the birth of Ellie Kate. She came home from the hospital with us!! Lord, let me not take these children for granted. Remind me of the dark times--the hopeless times--so that I don't forget to see Your hand in all of this. You have given them to us. They are Yours.
My oh my. What a gracious reminder!
Blessings to you.......and your blessings!

Unexpected Blessing

2011-01-10T19:01:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year friend! It was such a wonderful time with family celebrating Christmas and ringing in the New Year. My husband and I had 2 date nights 2 weeks in a row! That is outstanding for us! We hadn't been on a date in quite awhile and it was so nice to be together, just the 2 of us. On one of our dates we stopped by McAlister's to pick up a gallon of sweet tea and it was closed, due to inclement weather. It wasn't snowing or anything--I don't think there was even any snow on the ground either! Such an adjustment to things down here in Georgia! After our Christmas celebration at our house with my parents we went to my sister's house. I was able to meet my new nephew and love on him for a bit. He is so precious! Then we headed further north to my in-laws. We had a nice time celebrating with them and then at the last minute had a change in plans and we were able to head even further north and stay at my parent's house. It was an unexpected blessing in a couple of ways. They are moving and this was probably the last time we were able to go "home" to this house. This house holds special meaning as we held our rehearsal dinner here, lived here quite a few times in between jobs, moves and while Corban was in the NICU. It was our first stop after we left the NICU with Corban. It is also the home we brought Ellie to and lived with her first 6 months. Memories.
The next blessing was in the fact that we were able to go and visit Callie's grave. As I mentioned in a previous post, this was something I had wanted to do before we moved. Now that my parents are moving it was increasingly important to us. So we went and visited. We said "good bye" to the last spot on earth where she was laid. It seemed surreal. We live 8 1/2 hours away and it seems like a bad memory. Yet as I look at my walls and bookcase I realize it is not merely a memory but a piece of my life and my story that has changed me forever.
What unexpected blessings these were to wrap up this chapter of our lives. To say our goodbyes. It seemed fitting that these events would bring 2010 to a close.
I would also like to take a moment to say that though we have experienced loss I am so thankful to the Lord for the blessings He has given to us. I have been hearing many stories of loss in recent days. Babies with medical conditions who haven't made it. Babies with medical conditions who are still struggling. Babies who never even took their first breath. And Mommies who desperately wish for a baby. These stories break my heart, time and again. I remember how blessed I am. Truly blessed.
God's blessings to you in the new year!

Christmas Ornaments

2010-12-19T17:19:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to you friend! It seems that Christmas has snuck up on me this year! Less than a week and we will be celebrating together. One of the things I struggle with throughout the year is keeping Callie's memory alive within our family. I want our children to grow up knowing about their sister. This may sound strange to some but to others you may understand that though she is gone, she is still very much a part of our family.

One of the ways that we do this at Christmas is through ornaments. When I was pregnant with Callie we bought a stork carrying a pink bundle. It was only fitting that the following year we continued to buy ornaments. We buy each of our kids a different ornament each year. We also place a teddy bear/animal under the tree for each child. Callie's bear was a bear that came with her coffin. We were presented with it on the day of her burial. Once a year her bear comes off the shelf with all of her other keepsakes and sits under the tree.

For her ornament this year we chose something that looks like a crystal teardrop. Each ornament has special meaning. Corban got a Mr Potato Head ornament since he loves Toy Story. Ellie got a sock monkey ornament with her name on it. Sock Monkeys always make her smile and we are actually doing her 1st birthday in Sock Monkeys!

I still haven't found many consistent ways to honor Callie throughout the year. We've taken blankets to the NICU, donated flowers or other things in her name but nothing that is consistent. It is my hope that someday I find a new tradition that doesn't just happen once a year. But for now I am thankful that Christmas has wonderful meaning for our family of 5. I don't get to buy my daughter many things, but I always look forward to choosing that special ornament for our tree. I hope that if you have suffered loss recently or not so recently that you find special ways to honor your loved one and keep his or her memory alive.

Blessings to you and your family as you celebrate this year!

Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T17:48:00.000-08:00

This year I have a lot for which to be thankful. I should rephrase that. This year it seems that I am more aware of those things. A lot of changes occured this past year. We had been living with my parents for almost a year after a job loss. Now we are blessed to have a job, a house and to be surrounded by wonderful people. I have a wonderful husband, who gave me a wonderful surprise tonight. I have had the privilege of giving birth to 3 precious children and the blessing of raising two of them every day. As tomorrow approaches I am left sitting here with memories--which seem to be what I am most thankful for--the past.
"Black Friday". Before all the craziness and stampedes occured, my Nanny, my Mom, my Sister and I would all go shopping together. We would get up really early (around 6:00 in those days) and we would bundle up (we were in Indiana) and stand in lines before the stores opened. We'd race through the crowds to get our goodies and tackle the next store. It was such a wonderful time together. Nanny always took lots of pictures. As you can imagine it was quite embarrassing with all of the crowds! I don't look too happy in a lot of the pictures--this just wasn't "cool". Now, my Nanny suffers from Alzheimers. I wish we could go back to those days and share one more outing. We still take her shopping but it sure is different. I am thankful for the memories I have and hope that my daughter has memories like this one day.
This is also the first Thanksgiving without my grandpa, Papa. As my only grandpa, he has a special place in my heart. He always carved the turkey for thanksgiving. He was always waiting at the door when we pulled up and had a warm hug for you. Before the meal he would always have us hold hands and he would express his sentiments. It seems like he could always make me cry--the patriarch of the family speaking his wisdom and thanks for family being together, for health and for love. It wasn't anything profound but simply his heart and positive outlook. It will be a different Thanksgiving without Papa. He is so dearly missed. I am thankful, though, for the years we did have with him.
It just feels like a very different year, as I get older and traditions change. I miss the old times. But maybe what I miss most is the innocence of those days. The days when grandparents didn't age and health didn't fail. I'm not trying to be a "Debbie Downer." I really am thankful. It just seems to me that this year I am most thankful for the memories of the past and the strong heritage of my past that sticks with me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Give your loved ones a hug and tell them you love them!

Regret....

2010-09-13T18:43:00.001-07:00

We recently moved to Georgia for my husband's new job. It is such a blessing that the Lord provided this opportunity for us. There wasn't really much keeping us in our current town. My parents lived there when we moved there a few years ago, but my Dad's job has them travelling a lot so they are rarely home. We loved our church home, and it was a great place of healing for us in the past year, but we were ready to move on to our next adventure. One thing holding me there was my daughter's grave. I know she isn't there. When I've gone to visit it feels so empty and silent. I know she is in Heaven, but this is the last place we were together.
A book I recently read and identified with, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith expressed it very well, "I know she isn't really in there; it's just that her knees are, and I would have loved to kiss them after she fell. I need to mourn the loss of the arms that cannot wrap around me here. Braided hair, a wedding dress, her first wiggly tooth. They are deep within the ground, never to be mine. I needed to feel that loss, and I did."
When we knew we were going to move I told Matt that I would like to visit Callie, alone--(with no kids--I specified). And it didn't happen. It isn't that I didn't remember because I thought about it every day. It just didn't happen. Oh there were reasons. But I wonder if I invented those reasons because I'm not good at good-byes. What I do know is that I wish I would have gone to see her one last time. It might not make sense to you if you haven't experienced loss, but I have deep regrets about this. I should have done whatever it took to see her. Sometimes with everything and everyone else screaming for my attention the silent ones get overlooked. And she is silent. My heart isn't. But she is. So for now, I will wait until we get back and go and visit my silent daughter and be silent with her.

Connected at the........heart

2010-07-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

Hello friend. You know when you have a close friend some say you are connected at the hip? I recently felt connected to someone at the heart. When you experience loss in some form or another a sensitivity begins to happen. There are topics, phrases, questions, etc. that touch the forbidden or closed part of your soul. Recently I was on a social networking site and a comment was made that touched that forbidden piece of my heart. I didn't respond to the comment but read through others' comments and saw a comment that stated what my heart felt. I sent a message to this person, who I didn't know, and did my best to encourage her. I could tell from her statement that she had experienced loss. I didn't know the details, nor did I need to, but I could hear her heart's cry. A few emails were exchanged and I was able to connect with this woman. Isn't it amazing how our hurt connects us and binds us together? I found out that she had heard of our sweet Callie and had been praying for us during that time. She also heard of Corban's struggles when he was born. How amazing it is when we find that we are more closely connected than we realize! You never know how you are going to be used in someone's life. Remember to always be faithful and follow through on the Lord's leading! Who knows what it will mean!
Blessings to you friend!

Happy 3rd Birthday

2010-06-30T09:52:00.001-07:00

Another year has passed and we cannot imagine what our life would be like with Callie turning 3. I'm sure she would have as much spunk and energy as her little brother and sister do! This year we faced a new challenge as Corban is becoming more aware of things. He doesn't fully understand but we wanted to begin to lay the foundation for him, to learn about his big sister. We took him to the store and let him pick out a balloon to send up to sissy and he carried it out to the cemetary. He looked all around in wonder at the stuffed animals, balloons and flowers all around babyland. Through his innocent eyes it looked like a child's playland when in reality, as an adult, it is a horribly sad sight. We parents who have lost our child know that each balloon and stuffed animal represents a shattered dream. A child we had in mind when we bought that stuffed animal will never know it's softness and comfort.

We walked to Callie's grave and brushed away the grass and debris and Corban wanted to help us and feel the stone. Then we told him that this is sissy's stone, and it is her birthday. We sang "Happy Birthday" to her and he let her balloon go. As he waved bye bye and blew her kisses, I know that this is the beginning of his understanding. I know he doesn't truly know what is going on yet but I hope that the foundation has been laid.

Happy Birthday to my sweet firstborn daughter. Another year has passed without you here and yet it feels like time has stood still in some regards. I look forward to the day that my family is complete and we are all together again.

Live Life to the Fullest

2010-04-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

A week ago yesterday, my Mama and Papa came over to meet my daughter, Ellie, for the first time. She is their 6th great-grandchild. They made the 3 hour trip and we enjoyed visiting together while they each got their time with her. It was a nice afternoon and we got pictures of the "first meeting" with the great-grandparents.

If we had known then what we know now we may have done things differently that day. On Monday my Dad told me that my Papa had died suddenly. It was quite a shock to all. He was actually out golfing, which is something he loved to do. He was a wonderful man who enjoyed life and lived it to the fullest, even up to the moment of his death.

I was reminded of a quote from "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium".

Mr. Edward Magorium: [to Molly, about dying] When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words. [pause, walks over to Molly] Mr. Edward Magorium: I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died." Molly Mahoney: [starting to sob] I love you. Mr. Edward Magorium: I love you, too. [picks Molly up, sighs heavily] Mr. Edward Magorium: Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

Papa's life was an inspiration and he touched countless lives, as was evidenced by his memorial service today. He will be greatly missed here on earth, but his legacy and life will not be forgotten. I hope that I rise to the occasion of my life. It would be wonderful if even half of the remarks made today about my Papa, Ray Boyd Cluxton, could one day be said of me.

Blessed

2010-03-13T17:44:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since my last post. Ellie was a month old yesterday. Time flies. I have been thinking of a song that really spoke to me after Corban came home from the hospital. It has spoken to me once again as I've been looking at Ellie. Sometimes I can't take my eyes off of her. She is such a blessing. Even though things get stressful. I get tired and worn out. She still is a great blessing and this is a short season in the grand scheme of things.
If you've never heard the song or even if you have I hope that the lyrics challenge you. I hope that I am able to look at my life and see the losses and disappointments as opportunities to grow and be changed. I hope that I am able to help others through such times.

Jeremy Camp's "Beyond Measure" Song Lyrics
The fog has finally cleared to see,The beautiful life you've given me. To feel the breeze of my newborn's gentle breath. With one to walk hand in hand,To share this life that you have planned. It's like a storybook with dreams That are meant to see every next step is an extraordinary scene[CHORUS]I know that I've been,Given more than beyond measure,I come alive when,I see beyond my fears I know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,I come alive when I've broken down and given you control I've faced a great tragedy,But have seen the works of what you bring A display of faith that you give,I don't know if I will ever understand The depth of what it is you've done inside,But I know that I won't find any worth apart from you Everything that I have Has been given so unselfishly And shown that even when I don't deserve You always show the fullness of your love.

Even though we have faced great tragedy and loss, I can honestly say that I feel that I have been blessed beyond measure. Thank you Jesus for those blessings!

Welcome Ellie Kate Hart!

2010-02-19T10:31:00.001-08:00

Our baby girl is here! Ellie Kate was born into the world in literally 30 seconds. We were extremely blessed with a skilled surgeon, Dr. Wheeler, who performed the surgery. It was such an awesome day! We checked into the hospital and found out that a friend who was present at Callie and Corban's births would be able to stay late and assist with Ellie. Gina had switched from the day to the night shift so we thought she wouldn't be there! When I arrived in the operating room she was talking to me and keeping my mind occupied and then another friend came up to me. Amy was one of Corban's primary nurses in the NICU. She took such awesome care of Corban and now she would be in this surgery to take care of Ellie once she was here. It was so wonderful to have friends and people you care about in the operating room to share in this huge event. I was much more relaxed once I knew that Amy had Ellie and was checking her over to make sure all was well. The minute she came out I heard them saying, "She looks like Corban!" Not many people can say that about their delivery!

Well, that is all for now. I just wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers as we entered this day with high anxiety. She has already brought us such joy! I'll post more pictures in the days to come. I must nap now while the children sleep!

P.S. She was born at 7:31 a.m. on 2-12-10. Weight: 6 lbs 10 oz 18 in. long ......and a head full of hair!

C-Section Update

2010-02-09T09:29:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends!
The countdown has been going on this week for Ellie's arrival. The surgery is scheduled for 5:15 p.m. this Friday, the 12th! At my last appointment on Monday the doctor was pleased with how she is doing. We could see her little chest rising and falling as she was practicing breathing. This is an encouraging sign, and we are hopeful that the steroid shot has worked. We don't want to end up with another pulmonary hypertension baby in the NICU, like Corban.
We are confident in our surgeon's knowledge. He is a skilled perinatologist and has provided us with wonderful care! We are trusting in the Lord that this will be a good experience and Ellie will be able to stay with us and not go to NICU or that anything else will go wrong. However, I am saying this in faith....because out of fear I worry that something will happen. I would covet your prayers as Friday approaches. We are so excited to meet our daughter and yet are filled with fear and nervousness.
We'll post pictures and updates once she is here and we have settled.

An Early Valentine's Gift.....Baby Ellie

2010-01-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

No. She isn't here yet. :) I did wrangle a date out of the doctor though! He is on call the weekend of Valentine's Day...so we are scheduled to go on the morning of the 13th! I will be 38 weeks on the 14th so hopefully all will go well. I'm so thankful that my doctor is being conservative and using good judgment with my case. He isn't letting my comfort and anxiety sway his decision. He recognizes that we took Corban too early and paid a high price for that. Unless something happens and she comes on her own or something else unforeseen......she will come on Feb 13th. It is still 2 1/2 weeks away but I trust his judgment and expertise. We're praying for a healthy delivery and to be able to keep her with us until we leave the hospital with her. It will be the best Valentine's Day gift ever to have our little girl with us!
I'm not sure I will be blogging again until she is here unless something changes in our situation.
Blessings to you all! I'm sure we'll post pictures once she is here!

Given your history....

2010-01-19T11:41:00.000-08:00

This is a phrase that I've heard too many times recently. I'm currently 34 weeks into my 3rd pregnancy. It has been a rather uneventful pregnancy until the past week. At the 33 week mark I turned into a ball of nerves. If you haven't read Callie's story in previous posts, this is the point at which she passed from this life on to a life in heaven. She never moved like my other children. Her movement was so subtle, it could easily be mistaken for gas or hunger pains, due to her small size. So when she wasn't moving a lot one day, I went with the general advice I'd heard...that babies move less the further along you get in your pregnancy. Three days passed until I realized that maybe something was wrong. I ignored every possibly indication thinking it was normal. Now I err on the opposite side, which has resulted in a trip to the hospital both Saturday night and last night. Saturday I was feeling a lot of pressure and pain so I called the doc on call---given your history....it would be best to get it checked out. She was still moving a lot so I wasn't concerned that she was gone...more concerned she was on her way. Last night I had a sharp pain after a movement that I made and suddenly I felt less movement from her. After an hour of drinking ice water, laying on my side and poking her I still wasn't feeling her. I freaked out. We called the doc on call on the way to the hospital and again....given your history.....you are doing the right thing. I cried the whole way there thinking that we would be going through the most traumatic event in our lives for a second time. After a couple hours of monitoring we were able to get her heart rate to fluctuate some and I was sent home. All is well thankfully.
It has really gotten me to thinking that people who have never experienced such things just really don't get it. In one moment you are taken right back to the worst day of your life and are suddenly reliving it. You can try to be rational and try to talk yourself out of it....but it doesn't work. When you have a history it is a part of you. You try to learn from it so that you don't make the same mistakes again. My husband's old boss asked (before he fired him) if he was over the death of Callie. Case in point. He just didn't get it. You don't just get over it. It becomes a part of you and your story.
If you are reading this, I would ask for your thoughts and prayers are we continue to progress in this pregnancy for a few more weeks. Emotionally I need some strength. We desperately hope to be able to deliver a healthy baby girl who we can bring home from the hospital with us.

Out of these ashes Beauty will rise And we will dance among the ruins We will see it with our own eyes Out of this darkness New light will shine And we"ll know the joy that"s coming in the morning ...from "Beauty Will Rise"

Blessings to you all!!

Christmas and the New Year

2009-12-31T17:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas was definitely different this year. It was different in many ways...some were planned and some were unplanned. We had planned a lot of baking for my sister, Mom and I to do, crafts and cookies for the kids, games to play and so much more. Most of it didn't happen. Most of the family ended up getting sick with a stomach virus which changed our plans and our menu! Corban went down for bed the night before Christmas Eve and woke up in the middle of the night throwing up so I was up most of the night with him. He is actually still sick but I think he is starting to get better. I'm pretty excited for that! It is tiring taking care of a sick toddler.

In spite of all of the changes we had a good time with family. Corban enjoyed being with his cousins. He loves being around other kids and seemed fascinated by them! It reminds me every time that we are together that there is another child missing. It may seem odd to those who haven't experienced loss, but seeing all the children of the family is a wonderful thing but also a painful reminder of the one who isn't there and should be. As we lined all the kids up in front of the fireplace for a picture I couldn't help but think about it. There were 4 little cousins, dressed in their sock monkey pj's that Mimi made, and one little one missing. 3 little boy monkeys and only one little girl monkey. There should be another little girl sock monkey sitting there with them. The gap between my youngest nephew (3) and Corban (19 months) is the space where Callie falls. I don't know if that will ever go away. I love having all of the family together but long for the day when the family will be complete with Callie Grace there with us.

We look forward to the new year and the joy that comes along with it. Very soon, about 6 weeks or so, our newest addition will join us.
Blessings to you in the new year.

A Season of Thanks

2009-11-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

Hello friends. It has been awhile since my last post. I only write when I have something to say--which you might think would be all the time--but it is not. We have gone through some major transitions in the last month.My husband, a youth pastor, lost his job. The church is undergoing a lot of changes and some crazy decisions are being made. I won't bad mouth the church but it has been really tough! Our house was a parsonage, provided by the church so we also lost our house and only income. It is hard not to get caught up with all the little details and annoyances that happen along the way. When we are wronged it is so hard to not become angry and want revenge. I have really struggled with this! However, in light of Thanksgiving, I have been really challenged to focus on the things that I do have and not those that I don't. So here goes--
1. Our baby girl, Ellie Kate, has remained healthy in spite of all of this stress!
2. Corban just turned 18 months and continues to amaze us with his humor. He has made this situation tolerable and brings a smile to our face when we need it!
3. Corban and my insurance was not through the church--so we are still covered.
4. My parents have graciously allowed us to move in with them and take over their house. What a wonderful blessing this has been---for us at least! :)
5. My husband has a wonderful support network of other pastors that has really poured into him and helped to encourage him.
So that is my start for now. We have each other and our health--and that is all we really need. God has blessed us and has always provided for our needs. I know that He is faithful and will continue to do so! Happy Thanksgiving! Blessings!

New Life

2009-10-09T15:18:00.001-07:00

Well, it has been quite awhile since my last post. For those who don't know we are expecting another baby in February. It was quite a surprise but we are very excited. We found out that we are having another little girl. So far everything looks good with her...I'm seeing a high-risk doctor and he is being extremely conservative with his care. Yesterday we had an ultrasound and saw all of her vital organs and she seems to be of normal size. We're still pretty nervous even though I'm nearly 20 weeks. We just are praying that she comes through the pregnancy and delivery okay and is healthy. We loved our NICU and the staff but would prefer to not revisit our experiences there. We'd really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. It is amazing the feelings that surface again when you're pregnant--especially with a girl--for me.

Callie's Birthday

2009-07-05T17:15:00.000-07:00

This past week was Callie's birthday. She would have been 2 on June 29. The whole week is usually a really tough week. I re-live the week and think on the 25th was probably the day she died. The 27th was the day we found out and I was induced. The 29th was the day she was delivered and July 3rd was the day we laid her to rest. It is just a really rough time. We went to the cemetery to her grave and there was a funeral just finishing up. Seeing the same small casket brought back so many memories. I hurt deeply for those people. We stayed in our van until the family left and then the workers lowered the casket in and put dirt on top of it. The family never sees that part. I never saw that part. We walked over to Callie's grave and the angels we put there were gone. Both my parents and I had each put some angels on her grave and they were gone. No sign of them anywhere. They don't remove things from the graves in Babyland so we are left to assume that someone stole them. I don't know what kind of sicko does that....it is just rude. Corban enjoyed being out at the cemetery. He kept waving down at the grave. He will come to know his older sister as we share her story when he gets older. I know her daily celebrations in heaven are far better than any party I could have planned for her. I miss her deeply and love her so.

In Memory..

2009-05-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

We've been trying to figure out what to do to honor Callie as her 2nd birthday approaches. Nothing seems to fit. There are things we do every year, buying an ornament for the Christmas tree, Easter lily in her name, altar flowers at church, etc. However, this year we want to do something different. We have contacted a few local hospitals and are just uncertain of the best way to keep her memory alive. I began wondering about giving some of the special outfits that I have held onto to a NICU family or something. I'm just not sure I can do that. Even if I have a little girl one day, I don't know if I want her wearing Callie's things. But to part with them...well, I'm not sure I can do that either. I just want to find a way to give some hope to someone who is in a bad situation and I'm unsure of what to do. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love it if you shared!

Thanks!
Mindy

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T06:46:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was the first Mother's Day that I have enjoyed in several years. When you are trying to have a baby and are unsucessful, it is the worst reminder. Your arms ache for the baby you so desperately desire. 2 years ago we were down in Hilton Head on a family vacation. We celebrated Mother's Day and it was wonderful. We were eagerly anticipating Callie's arrival 3 short months later. I still have the cards my family gave me as we were so excited for her to come! So last year when I was pregnant and my scheduled c-section was the Monday after Mother's Day I asked my doctor a favor. I asked if we could move the c-section to Friday so that I would be able to hold my baby on Mother's Day. He agreed. What is a few more days, right? Well, as you know, things didn't go as planned. Mother's Day was horrible last year. The NICU nurses made me cards with Corban's picture which I treasure but Corban was going downhill that day. We stopped allowing anyone but Matt and I in to see him. I was so nervous to get close and bond with him. I didn't think he was going to make it and I was facing losing another baby. We prayed at his bedside every day. When we were too weak to pray so many people stepped up to pray for him.
So yesterday was a wonderful day. We really didn't do much. We just hung out and relaxed and yet it was great because I had my family together. God has blessed us with so much throughout our lives and especially within the last year. His hand was on Corban and he is such a joy!
If Mother's Day brings up bad feelings and aching arms and hearts for you, my prayers are with you. I know the feeling. I am praying for you and for all the other women in the world who dread Mother's Day, as I once did.
Blessings to you.

What A Difference A Year Makes

2009-05-09T17:55:00.001-07:00

Today is my son, Corban's, 1st birthday. A year ago today was a pretty dark day. We hadn't held him yet and things were not looking very positive. I feared losing another child. However, God performed a miracle in his life. Today he is a happy, healthy little boy. You'd never know anything had happened. We are so thankful for his life and health! Happy Birthday baby boy!

Questions

2009-05-04T17:51:00.000-07:00

I have always thought that when I get to heaven I want to ask God some questions. I have had this idea that then my questions will be answered and "why" will make sense. I don't imagine myself shaking my fist at God but just sitting with Him to better understand things. I trust His heart and His reasons. I just wish that humanly I understood them. Well, my mind has since been changed on this. I just finished reading Don Piper's book, "90 Minutes in Heaven". It is about a man who dies in a car accident (for 90 minutes) and then comes back to life. It is an interesting read. A few things that he said really stood out to me. The main thing is that he said (while he was in heaven) that "...I asked no questions and never wondered about anything. Everything was perfect. I sensed that I knew everything and had no questions to ask." This really struck me since I had always thought of talking to God and asking my questions. Yet this man in heaven is saying that he had no questions and seemed to already know everything. I wonder if this is what it will be like in Heaven. I know that I will be reunited with Callie in Heaven. That is wonderful hope for me. We won't wonder about the past or anything else that brings us pain. We will simply "know" and be content in that. Hmm. Something to think about friend. Our "whys" and "what ifs" are only temporary.

Radio

2009-04-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

Something really weird happened today. A couple of our local radio stations will dedicate a day to someone who has paid for the day. They always give a cheesy message along with their thanks. As I was driving I heard these people's message and they said that they were grateful for their granddaughter Callie Grace. My heart just stopped. I have never heard my daughter's name as another name. I've heard Callie before but not Callie Grace. It was really hard! It has made me think about her all the more today. As my son Corban approaches his 1st birthday in a few weeks I am reminded of all the blessings that we have. He is a living miracle and is such a joy. I can't help but wonder what kind of trouble the two of them would have gotten into! I miss Callie terribly but enjoy every moment with Corban and try to continually remind myself of the gift I have been given in Corban.

Something to Consider

2009-03-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading a book by Kay Warren, "Dangerous Surrender". My husband and I were at a youth ministry convention and had the privilege to hear Kay Warren speak about this book and I decided that I had to read it! I didn't expect that it would speak to my heart as much as it has....even about Callie.
I don't know about you but I often find myself looking at other people's lives and questioning God. "Why does a teenage girl have a healthy baby?" "Why do these people who don't want children have children?" I sit back and cast judgment as I see fit as to what I think should happen in a person's life. I was so convicted when I read this the other day.
"....You see, it really isn't any of my business--or your business--what God does in someone else's life. My only business is to follow him. I sometimes call this the WITTY principle--what is that to you? We wrongly accuse God of having favorites, of loving others more than he loves us, of showering others with blessings while leaving us high and dry. We pray and ask for a miracle in our family, only to watch things crumble around us. Yet a friend prays for a miracle in her family and seems to get one. We beg God to heal someone we love, but he or she dies anyway. Another friend asks God to heal their loved one--and he does. We conclude that there is an inequity to his love, and some choose to walk away from him. Here's the bottom line: Figuring out God's ways isn't any of my business. Following him is" Kay Warren "Dangerous Surrender"
That hit me in the heart! The Lord does know what he is doing and we are simply to follow him. Thank goodness that He has it all under control!
Blessings to you friends!

Heart Aches

2009-03-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends. I hope that you are doing well. Isn't it amazing that though we've never met, we have a common bond and common heart ache? Recently I have had some friends have babies. It is so awesome to share in this miracle in their lives! I can never relax when I know that people are pregnant around me. I just worry that something is going to happen. Thankfully all 3 of the babies were born healthy and the moms are doing well too! I am so thankful! One baby was even born at 35 weeks. She is doing well though!
On a different note. My husband came home the other day and told me about a discussion he had with a lady at our church. She had asked if we had bought a dress for Callie to wear when she was buried. I was quite honestly horrified at the question. Well the reason that she was asking was because a few hospitals in the area had contacted the church recently. With the economy in the shape that it is people are not able to buy their babies outfits to be buried in. It broke my heart. I still remember picking out Callie's dress. Now I wish that I had another one like it. I never got to see her in it. Now there are people who can't afford to buy their precious babies something to forever rest in. I am going to start looking for sales on preemie clothes to donate to the local hospitals. I would encourage you if you are able to consider doing the same. Imagine the incredible gift you could give someone. My heart aches for these families. My heart aches for you, my friend. There is a reason that you are reading this. I am praying for you, though I may not know you. I feel your heart and I feel you pain.

Blessings,
Mindy

Life Doesn't Make Sense...

2009-01-13T20:12:00.000-08:00

There are many things that don't make sense to me. Why are people unable to have children that desperately want them? And yet people who don't want children are able to have them. Why do children die leaving their parents devastated and then other parents take their children's lives or abuse them. These are all questions that I have been wrestling with for the last few years. It has recently been on my mind because we found out that a friend of ours lost her little girl. She was a nurse in the NICU and took care of our son. Here is a woman who has devoted her life to saving sick babies and then her 1-year-old daughter dies unexpectedly. This doesn't makes sense to me. It angers me. It isn't right. Parents should not bury their children. I once heard that " a person who loses their spouse is a widow, a person who loses their parents is an orphan, but a person who loses their child...well there are no words." It is true.
But tonight I was reading and trying to gain insight and came across something that really convicted me. Here is a brief excerpt.
"There's only one thing that enables me to accept what I cannot understand about my suffering and the suffering of this world: the Cross. I look at the Cross and the enormous suffering it represents, and I am humbled and ashamed that I think I could know better than God what is good and right and purposeful. I see that there is a larger plan at work that my heart and my mind can barely comprehend. But mostly I see that the Cross is the ultimate examples of God's ability to work all things together for good-even the most wicked deed darkness ever conceived. And if God can work together the cruel death and enormous suffering of his Son on the cross to bring about the greatest good of all time, then perhaps he really can do something good in and through the suffering in our lives too." From The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie.
I hope this brings you encouragement to know that it is okay to have unanswered questions. All we can do is trust His Hand.

The Story of Callie Grace

2009-01-09T18:21:00.000-08:00

I wrote this story shortly after losing Callie. I'm simply cutting and pasting it because I can't bear to write the story again.

I write this story in memory of our daughter, Callie Grace. Her brief life touched many and her story will continue to do the same. It is my hope that through this story her life will be remembered and all who hear about her will recognize the fragility and sanctity of life.
Thanksgiving 2007, my family was down in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, celebrating together. It was a different year for everyone. Matt was working at a Christian bookstore, after leaving his position at the church, and we were unable to go home to Indiana to celebrate. My family came down to be with us. I remember it was a fun time yet also a sad time for us as Matt and I longed to be parents. It had been over a year now and still our arms were empty. We thought we were pregnant in September but that turned out to be a false hope. We still believe we had a miscarriage yet it was never confirmed because I did not take a pregnancy test. I scheduled an appointment at a fertility clinic for the week after Thanksgiving. That was all I could think about. The following week I went to the clinic and listened as the nurse described all the tests and procedures that needed to be done in the upcoming weeks and months. This was only a consultation, the beginning of what would be a lengthy process. It was overwhelming. I walked away from that appointment with hope yet also with fear of what the results of these tests might tell us. Matt and I talked about things but did not make any decisions because we were both unsettled with the whole idea.
That weekend we were supposed to go to Indiana for an interview at a church. As we were driving Matt and I talked about our feelings about the fertility testing. We both came to the same conclusion that we would not pursue this route. It felt forced. We were not at peace and we knew that God was the author of life. He would give us a baby at the right time. We proceeded through the interview and were offered a job that weekend at New Haven United Methodist Church. We had never felt such peace throughout the interview process. Usually there were red flags or feelings in the pits of our stomachs we could not ignore. Not this time. The Lord was giving us both peace and we knew this was the place for us. We would be going back home to pack up our things and move back closer to family and friends. We felt so blessed. It was an amazing feeling that we experienced on that drive home. During the following week, I began to wonder if I was pregnant. I decided I would take a pregnancy test that weekend if nothing had changed. I would wait until then because I simply could not bear another negative pregnancy test. Wednesday, December 13, I could not deny the changes in my body any longer. I went to Wal-Mart on the way home from work and got one of those digital tests. I was tired of trying to read pink lines. I wanted a clear PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. I got home, took the test, and immediately began crying when I read the words PREGNANT. I kept looking at them waiting for NOT to show up next to the words. When it did not show up I decided I had to go find a way to tell Matt. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a bib that said “I love Daddy.” It was blue and had dinosaurs on it….but it was all I could find. I raced home only to find that Matt had come home early from work and I sat in the driveway wondering if he had seen the test lying on the kitchen counter. When I walked in the house I immediately knew that he had. He looked at me and asked, “Is this true?” When I nodded my head confirming that it was true, we both began crying and hugging. “It’s going to be a good year.” We had a new job that was taking us back to be closer to our family and now we had a precious baby on the way. We felt so amazed and so blessed. Matt wanted to wait until Christmas to tell our families. That lasted until 10:00 that night. I was busting at the seams to call my family and tell them our good news. So we both called our families at the same time. I asked my parents if I could bring a visitor with me for Christmas. When they inquired as to whom, I explained the baby in my belly! It was a joyous Christmas, looking forward to the next year when our baby would be celebrating with us. We packed up and moved to Indiana on New Year’s. We began to look for a house for the two of us and our baby and made plans for me to be able to stay home when the baby came. We started getting her nursery ready. I had so much fun planning her room and buying her baby clothes. March 23rd we went to the doctor and he confirmed our hopes that it was a girl. Callie, which means most beautiful, would be her name. We were so excited. She would be the first granddaughter on both sides and the first great-granddaughter on my side. Matt called her his little princess and talked about how he would spoil her rotten. We went to Hilton Head in May with my family and talked about how next year we would have all three kids together. They each were a year apart. Trey would be two, Owen would be one and then baby Callie. What fun! Trey would come up to me all the time and lift up my shirt, put his hands on my belly and say “Callie.” I know that she could hear her cousin talking to her. Matt and I talked about how we would take her to the beach next year and walk with her between us in the sand. We even bought her a pink Hilton Head shirt to wear the following year. I began to experience swelling in Hilton Head. We thought it was due to the heat and humidity. It never really got better even when we got home. Within the next few months the doctors told me I was developing preeclampsia and toxemia. At 32 weeks he placed me on modified bed rest. On Tuesday I began to feel Callie move less but everything I read said that was normal because the baby grows and there is less room to move around. Wednesday morning, June 27, I woke up and felt that something was not right. I could not get rid of that feeling. I figured that I was overreacting but wanted to reassure myself. I went to see the nurse practitioner and she could not find a heartbeat. She did an ultrasound that confirmed my worst fear. Our baby was gone. I kept looking at the screen in shock. I thought that there had to be some mistake. It felt like I was sitting in the corner of the room watching myself lying on the table. I was in complete shock. I was crying and kept saying “no, no.” My mom just held me and we cried together. When Matt came he put his hands on my belly and said, “Hang on Callie. Be strong. Just a little bit longer.” I grabbed his hands and told him that she was already gone. We stood there in the doctor’s office just holding each other and crying. This surely could not be happening to us.
That night at Lutheran Hospital they began to give me medicine to help prepare my body for labor. They told me what I should expect and what would happen over the next few hours and days. The nurse told me that I needed to be thinking about things like if we would name the baby, if we would hold her and a funeral home. I had not even thought about the fact that we would have to bury our baby. This really was happening to us. They started medicine to begin contractions at 5:00 on Thursday morning. By Thursday night I still was not dilating so they stepped it up a notch and added a different medicine around 10:00 p.m. Thankfully the next morning I was fully dilated. I delivered Callie around 9:17 on Friday morning. She weighed 2 lbs 13 oz. They laid her on my belly and Matt cut her umbilical cord. After she was cleaned up our families each shared some time with us. She was beautiful. She had the prettiest lips I have ever seen. They were so perfect. Her mouth was open…it was like she was already in heaven singing. Callie was baptized later that morning and then we each proceeded to say our good-byes. I wish we would have held her longer. Those few shorts hours were all we had with our daughter. We went home that evening. My arms have never ached as much as they did on the way out of the hospital. I held a little pink bunny, a “silly buddy”, but it brought little comfort. We were supposed to be leaving with our Callie. I still remember the screams from women in labor and the crying babies in nearby rooms. I still would change places with those women.
Though her life was brief Callie impacted us in tremendous ways. I worked on areas of my life that I saw needed to be changed in preparation for her birth. I wanted to be the best wife and mother that I could be and I saw myself falling short. I wanted to be the kind of mom that my mom was and still continues to be. I wanted to bring Callie home to a happy place, a place where she would thrive and grow. I became a better person. I wanted to make Callie proud of her mom. During our time at the hospital I saw my husband’s deep love for me as he stayed by my side. Our love and marriage has been strengthened by the loss of our child. I love Matt now even more than the day I married him. He was a wonderful father to Callie. I am convinced that she would have been a daddy’s girl. She looked like her mom, but her heart would have belonged to daddy. Those are merely ways that Callie impacted the two of us. There are numerous ways that she affected other people as well.
We do not know or understand why we suffered this loss but we do know that God has a plan for Callie. We will hold her again in heaven one day and see the whole picture. What I do know is that God has gotten us through this tragedy that could have destroyed us. We could not have gotten this far without the prayers and support of our family and friends. We grieve with hope of our reunion with Callie one day in heaven.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
This is where I originally ended this story. However, yesterday was August 15, my due date. We visited her grave and sat and talked for a long time together. I began to notice how many babies had lived one day or one month and I began to feel so grateful. What if our baby had lived and had spent her short life in a hospital nursery? What if she had been in constant pain? Who knows what her life would have been like. I know that God’s plan is better than ours. Selfishly we wish she would have lived. Selfishly we want her here with us. How wonderful, though, to know that our daughter opened her eyes for the first time and saw heaven. The first face she saw was Jesus, the first sound she heard was the angels singing. I could not ask for a better life for her.

The Beginning...

2009-01-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

Matt and I knew that we wanted children before we were married. We were very excited about becoming parents and starting a family. It certainly didn't come easily for us. After trying for a year and a half I began to wonder if maybe something was wrong. They typically say that if you haven't gotten pregnant on your own after a year then you should get things checked out. Things were extremely stressful for us though...we had moved and switched jobs two times during that year and a half and maybe the stress was playing a part. We were meeting with a pastor about a church plant that we might be a part of and we found out that his wife was a nurse practitioner at a fertility clinic. She suggested that I come to see her and get the process going. So I went in early December and we talked about all the options and the process and then decided to set some tests up for a later date. I left that appointment feeling so down. This was not how it was supposed to be! I was supposed to just "get pregnant", have a healthy baby and that was it! I came home and talked to Matt about things.
During that week we received a call from a church in Indiana that Matt had applied to and we were going to go for an interview that weekend. We had quite a long drive so we discussed things with the testing and decided to wait. I was relatively young to be starting fertility testing and since I wasn't keen on the idea yet we would wait. We might reconsider at a later time. We felt such a peace about the decision. The interview went incredibly well that weekend. It was the first time that during an interview we both felt at peace. Matt was offered the job the following Sunday and we were to move in a few weeks. We went home so excited to be moving back closer to family and friends.

Hope....

2009-01-02T19:08:00.000-08:00

It is my hope that this blog will be an encouragement to you. I know that we all have pain and struggles in our lives. Some are more evident than others. It amazes me that even when your heart is overflowing with such love and joy (as mine is) that there can still be such pain. So I write to those who are living with pain--whether pain from today or pain from the past. I'll write more of our story as time goes by. I just wanted to leave hope for today....
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
I know that God desires to bless us with our 'trees' of life. Just remember that trees take time to grow. They don't happen overnight. For all those hoping and longing for a child....hold on. My heart and arms ache with you.
Blessings to you friend.